16. And Here We Go...

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“I am Aware, I am Aware, I have awareness. What is this awareness? Oh! I Am awareness. Then what is the need to define it? ‘I’ define everything else. But how and why do I define that which defines everything else?” a chain of thoughts once gushed. And that was the beginning that changed everything forever. So many things that were taken for granted, so many things that were ignored, surfaced from the great depths.

I am alive, I am aware. I accept that I am aware of my existence. Then do I know where does this awareness spring from? What gives rise to this awareness? And first of all what is awareness? Have scientists found any element or a combination of elements that can become aware of itself? Can it be created in a lab by mixing some things? Oh wait! Why do I need to search it outside? I AM THAT!! Why do I forget this simple fact? Why do I have to search for awareness in a lab, when I AM THAT myself? All I have to do is to search me! Oh wait! ‘I’ is searching for ‘I’? Are there two ‘I’s? One that searches and one that is being searched? Do I have two awarenesses? It can’t be!

What is Self-Realization? Realizing the Self. What is my Self? At this very moment, as I ask this question, am I apart from my Self? Is the struggling Self different from the Self to be realized? Is the questioning Self different from the Self that comes as an answer? Do I have two Selfs? It can’t be. Then what is it that I am struggling to attain? Self is struggling to attain its own Self?

And why didn’t I get this simple question before? Oh! Because whenever I said ‘I’, immediately it was associated with a lump of mass called body. I was content with an answer, although it was wrong, and therefore I never tried to search further. If body is the reason for the awareness, then there cannot be something called death. My dead body should not allow others to burn it.

What? “I think, therefore I am”? I exist because of thoughts? Hmm. But wait, I have a question. Suppose I do not have any thoughts, so does it mean I am absent? Do I become non-existent when I do not think? I have another question. I say ‘I Am’. But suppose I do not know any language. Then how do I think to myself that ‘I Am’? Although the words are absent, the feeling of existence is unbroken, isn’t it? ‘I Am’ are just words, mere sounds without meaning. ‘I’ give meaning to them. ‘I Am’ is a feeling, not mere sounds. It does not require a language for its existence. I simply Am.

I witness everything. The objects (including thoughts) are witnessed by me. I do not become absent if the objects are absent. Sun sees planets around him. He sees them because of his own light. He sees earth and other planets revolving around him. How stupid it would be if the Sun said “I exist because planets exist”? Whose light is enabling visibility of the planets? Thoughts are just like planets that I see. I am not them. I can be without them. They can’t be without me. Sun can be without planets. Planets can’t be without the Sun. I am self-luminous. I don’t need evidence by the objects around me for my existence. I don’t need body or the mind to prove that I exist. I simply Am.

Self Realization then, must be the nearest thing, most obvious thing, simplest thing. What can be more nearer to me than my own Self? Who is it that is trying for realization? The very fact that I am trying means that I am aware of my Self. If I am aware, then that means I know my self. If I know that ‘I Am’ then that means Self is already realized. Then why so much of commotion and fuss about spirituality and Self-Realization?!

Because I think I am not Self-Realized. I think I am a body, very strongly. I, being the pure infinite awareness, want to search for it in the distant skies. I think Self-Realization is like completing an MBA degree. I think it requires a lot of effort. I think it is a thing to be ‘attained’. But I immediately forget the fact that if something is attained then it can be lost as well! So, in that case Self-Realization becomes a temporary thing. Then what is the use of such realization? Thus, it cannot be a thing to be attained. It must already be there, always.

Even if I call it as God, how can God be a complicated entity? If it is a complicated entity, then how can it be God? It must be the simplest, most straightforward, most unassuming thing of all. What could that be? The very thing that is asking the question! ‘I’! ‘I’ am the subject that is always ignored in the maze of objects. The subject, me, without which all objects lose meaning. The researcher, that searches everything and defines everything, including the body and all its organs, but forgets to define himself, the source self. Like the Restless Robot!

The below set of statements best explains the irony. One set is by a spiritual aspirant and another by a wave of an ocean.

I – “I need to get Self-Realized”

Wave – “I need to get ocean-realized”

I – “Self Realization is so difficult. When will I attain God?”

Wave – “Ocean-realization is so difficult. When will I attain the ocean?”

I – “What? I am already God? How can it be! Impossible! I am so limited” (showing the body)

Wave – “What? I am already the ocean? How can it be? Impossible! I am so tiny” (showing the form and shape of the wave)

I – “Oh God, where are you? Why are you not coming? Please guide me to Self Realization?”

Wave – “Oh Ocean, where are you? When will you come and give me darshan?”

I – “Boo hooo… I am so helpless, I am so weak. Please help me oh God… Boo hooo”

Wave – “Boo hooo… I am so small and weak. When will you come to help me, ocean? Boo hooo”

The wave which is already the ocean, thinks it is different, and hence wants to ‘attain’ ocean. How silly! Is there anything to be attained by the wave to be ocean? Does the wave ‘become’ the ocean? Do I ‘become’ Self-Realized? So am I not aware of my self now? If not, then what is asking this question?

Was anything required to be done by the football player in the post ‘The Amazing Conversation’ to realize that he is just playing a game?

Was any effort actually required by the restless robot in the post ‘The Restless Robot’ to realize that it is already that which it is searching for?

So, then what is the problem? Does it mean that nothing needs to be done? No, finally it is only getting rid of the notion that ‘I am’ a body. The notion is so deep that as soon as I utter ‘I’ it is immediately associated with the body. Then follows all the complexities of the poor wave! What is this knot of wrong notion? Oh, the ego. This nonexistent ego, which so assertively seems to exist, makes me feel miserable.

Then how to get rid of something that is actually nonexistent? Ramana Maharshi - “Simple. Search for it. Since it is nonexistent, it vanishes!”. What a genius solution! Search for the source of the ‘I’, and the false ego automatically vanishes. Then what will remain is ‘I’ as it always is, without any attributes, names or forms. So my only effort is to search for my source. The source of the sense of being ‘I’. When the wave searches for its source, its false notion of individuality vanishes. Then what remains is what remains. Pure being. The Ocean, majestic as it always is.

- Continued