1. The Chronicles of Despair

If you are reading this blog, it probably means that you are familiar with the feeling of a strange thrill that runs deep within you when you hear the words “Adhyatma”, “Spirituality” or “Enlightenment”. You know that there is a feeble but definite desire to know what it can offer other than just rituals and intellectual arguments. You know that there is a peculiar sorrow hidden suppressed in your heart that you are unable to pursue this longing.

You know that something is pulling you towards it. But at the same time you feel the world also to be powerfully attractive. Your spiritual urge is not constant, and in between, you have periods of great happiness which keeps you engaged in the world. Mind moves to and fro in this battle and invariably each time you give in and flow with the world. You aren't really happy to do that. But you heave a sigh and try to forget your longing for the moment. But No! It doesn't go away either. You are neither able to ignore it nor are you strong enough to pursue it.

This way, life is moving on. You are not even able to comprehend where and how to start. Now and then you think that retiring from the world is the only way to begin Spirituality. You give yourself the example of Gautama Buddha as a justification. But you are immediately reminded of all the responsibilities of the world. Nor are you so strong to get rid of the attachments to the pleasures that are around you. Frustration is growing inch by inch. Every now and then you feel like crying for no apparent reason. When you look at an old man in a wheelchair in front of his high-class bungalow, you get more depressed. “What can money and property do to me when I am like that?” you say to yourself “Is that all? Spend the entire life accumulating and grabbing whatever I can, only to die miserably one day? Is this all there is to life?”.

This agony has made you miserable over the years, or probably even decades. Spirituality, from what it promises, seems to be the only solution to this cycle of misery and happiness, but it appears to be something very distant, a Mission-Impossible. We disappointedly think of it as a never-to-be-achieved mirage but we also have gotten into a never-to-be-gotten-rid-of yearning for this elusive Enlightenment which is supposed to be freedom from all misery.

It is not that we haven’t done anything about it. We have read several books written by several spiritual masters. We have understood so many new concepts in philosophy. We have visited many Ashrams and Organizations built by many Gurus. We have come across many techniques that carry the claim of hastening the process of inner evolution. We have attended several inspiring lectures by popular speakers.

All these activities have provided us a sense of contentment – “Yes, I have done something in my pursuit of Self-Realization”. The feeling "I have done something" is often an obstacle, for it does not make you look further for the time being. Your intensity gets diffused and you stagnate. Therefore after you do this for several years, you recognize that something has begun to bug you from within. Each time the sense of contentment "I did something in spirituality" proves to be very much temporary. It fades away as quickly and easily as it appears. Years pass by and all of a sudden we notice – “Nothing has happened, I am exactly where I was years ago!”. Same desires, same anger, same entanglements, same fears still haunt us stronger than ever before. Instead of fighting over movie actors, we are now perhaps fighting over different schools of philosophy and their proponents. And we are back at square one.

“What is wrong? Why nothing is happening?”. Then it becomes evident to us that we have only been listening and reading but have factually experienced almost nothing. We find bundles of intellectual theories in one pocket but only bits and pieces of personal transformation in the other. Our focus has shifted to endorsing and fighting over a certain system of philosophy and Guru. We find pleasure in asserting that what we are doing is superior to what others are doing, rather than finding joy from the transformation that would come about if we followed our own path sincerely. Perhaps we have even become aggressive fanatics. We reluctantly understand that we have become a mere data-recorder that can simply reproduce stories – a variety of colourful stories starring Mr. God and Mr. Soul. Frustration returns – a hundredfold.

“How and where to begin?” question comes back like a Tsunami. The world is impossibly difficult to face. And all ideals seem hypothetical. Although they make perfect sense, teachings from scriptures and masters mostly leave a question in our minds "All right, then what?". We feel that we have reached a dead end and are desperate for answers. We see our frustration slowly turning into anger. Is Spirituality so complicated? Is Self-Realization such an impossible task? The desperate volcano is about to erupt. “God, I beg you, please help me!” you scream at the top of your voice. But at the same time you find that your logical mind is rejecting the idea of ‘God’. It grins at you and says "God? Help? Do you think anything will happen?". Frustration is at its peak… Nothing quite like it!

But sustained intensity can crack any shell; our constant tears finally wash off some inner dirt that is veiling the Truth. Something becomes vaguely visible. But vague is good enough for now. Gradually we begin to see where things were going wrong. One by one… we begin to understand the silly mistakes. And as we analyze these muddles, we cannot help but smile!

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