6. The Strong Weakness

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Once I accepted my real condition, that I am a slave to my mind and sense objects, the remaining was comparatively easier. I understood the mechanism of viciousness of the thoughts, initiated ‘Project Virtuous Vortex’ as explained in ‘The Big Boost’ and used the power of the mind against itself to effectively eliminate my addictions one by one.

As I easily got over the obvious habits, like a particular tasty dish, or smoking, or listening to extreme music etc (which were governing me without my consent), I began seeing that sense addictions have their roots quite deep into me – Instincts. They were controlling even my smallest activity, like simply looking, as explained below. 

I was thinking something and walking alone on a moderately busy street with my head down, looking at the ground. We know that eyes are usually defocused and can see bits and pieces from different directions. And whenever my eyes sensed movement of ‘color’ in any corner, the following happened in my mind, in a fraction of a moment: Moving Color => Person with Colorful dress => Girl => Order to look up => I obey the order. This way I would have probably looked up 20 times or more within a matter of 4-5 minutes. And I started wondering, am I really controlling my mind, or is my mind commanding me? My God! This seems like a program that has gone haywire. All these processing and reaction happen so instantly, that it was not even noticed for years by me. Mind has gone into a very strong habit and automated itself, and can I call it free will?!

And then came all the obvious arguments as a justification, by my own mind “You are a 25 year old boy, what if you look at girls? It is perfectly natural.”. Is it perfectly natural then, to drool behind every beautiful girl that I meet? Is it perfectly natural then, to do what did even if I am a married man? We say ‘No’. Then what is the limit of ‘natural’ and who decides it? Is the limit just about wearing the mask of decency and dignity just to show others but continuously munch inside? What kind of bogus personality I would then have, all the time being an imposter?

Then the mind said “Then what? Should you cast off the mask and show your real colors? Act crazy like an uncultured?”. My dear mind, are there only two options? Either give free vent or put on a forced disguise? What about getting a hold on you? What about looking only when I wish to? Why are you hiding this obvious third option? Is it because you don’t like it? Is it because you are afraid that you will lose your hold on me? 

It is quite difficult for anyone to accept this about themselves even to themselves, let alone to others. And even if we notice this strong obligation within us, we give a soft corner to them in the name of ‘instincts’, ‘natural’ and let them flourish. Well, spirituality IS conquering ‘nature’. If I am not an aspirant of self-realization, it is perfectly fine to wear a mask and be a phony to myself. It doesn't matter. But not otherwise, not after getting till here.

Now the mind put forth another stupid argument – “Not looking at girls? Do you want to become impotent?”. Oh Mind, I thought you were a little intelligent, if not more. Don’t you understand the difference between ‘can’t do’ and ‘don’t wish to do’? I never said that I want to lose my instincts. I only said that they should come out only if I order them to, not otherwise. As told in the last chapter, we always see only two facets – obligated inactivity and obligated activity. Why forget controlled activity? A stone cannot think. But I do not want to think, although I can. There is world of a difference. Should I always compulsorily think just because I can think? Where is the freedom then? I am as obligated and helpless as the stone is. Stone is helplessly inactive, and I am helplessly active!

Even after this much of counter arguments, the mind doesn't give up. It finally says that I should then get married, as if it is a universal solution. Mind, do you think I am a fool? Do you think it is going to give me any sort of control over you and your instincts? Are you saying that it will make me stop looking at other girls?! Ha Ha… Joke of the millennium. I am not against marriage, nor am I against no-marriage. But do not portray marriage as a solution to this problem of slavery to instincts. Marriage is perhaps everything else apart from this. The suggestion given by my mind about marriage for resolving this problem is something like the example below:

If a teenage boy is getting restless and unrestrained because of lack of money, will you give him more money as a solution? Will you say “If he gets enough money, his restlessness will come down”? What a naive solution! This will go into a vicious circle. The boy will raise the bar and now he would regularly want more money. Common sense! The more you give still more he would want. And at one point you cannot provide any further increment, and thereafter he will continue to be miserable, looking at everybody else’s wallet! The only viable solution is to teach him to control his mind and not let it control him. The question is not whether he has money or not, the question is whether he has control over himself. After that, money is an irrelevant and dead aspect. It won’t matter how much money he has. He will be fine with whatever he has. He will not be concerned about the bank balances and jewelry that others posses. He will not even stare at them to burn inside!

Similarly, the question is not about marrying or not marrying, the point of interest is if the instincts are under control, no matter how tough it may seem. This is the only feasible solution. I cannot afford stray bugs in my program running without my permission. I cannot have under-the-table transactions in my company taking place without my knowledge, even if it is about just looking or munching within myself. "I just look, it is fine" is not an excuse. It is a seemingly simple weakness which may define even your crucial activities. Bug is a bug and cannot be given scope.

...Continued
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