40. "?" - The Essence of Enquiry

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Although devotional expressions such as singing are normally associated with Bhakti Yoga, actual Bhakti Yoga is only about a sense of love and surrender, an inexplicable deep feeling of "♥" and is not necessarily the gross expression of it. Similarly, although intellectual analysis is usually associated with Jnana Yoga, actual Jnana Yoga is only about a sense of enquiry, an inexplicable deep feeling of "?" and is not necessarily its gross expression. Jnana Yoga can be represented with a "?" and Bhakti Yoga with a ♥. Both of these seem to be equally fundamental in us. In this post we shall focus on "?".

What does a plain "?" invoke in you? A sense of curiosity, wonder, enquiry. It is inexplicable but you can feel it. An underlying yet unmistakable current of inquisitiveness, which can be aptly symbolized as '?', and the ensuing urge to quench it, is one of our foremost defining features. Indeed, the root of the Saṁskr̥ta term manuṣya (human) is 'mana', which means 'to know'. To be human is to be a seeker, someone who wants to know. Deep within us there is a dissatisfaction because there is a constantly bugging "?" about the world, about life and finally but most importantly about ourselves. If we ignore this core longing of ours to quench the "?", and occupy ourselves solely with the affairs of the world, then it means that we are choosing not to be human.

Although a clear-cut question is not always formed, the feeling of "?" cannot be denied. Most of the times we are unsure as to what this "?" relates to, but it is certainly there. Sometimes this feeling comes to the surface and manifests as "What is the meaning of life, what am I doing here?" etc, but may not stay for long. Again it goes back to the depths and stays as a mysterious feeling of "?". The very reason for the feeling of a strange thrill in us when we hear the word "Adhyatma, Jnana Yoga", the very reason why there is an inbuilt attraction in us towards spirituality, is due to a hope that spirituality can nullify this enigmatic "?" by providing satisfactory answers, and get rid of the discontentment within us. All our efforts, material or spiritual, is only an attempt to rid ourselves of this ghost "?".

The first ever feeling that even a new born baby shows is clearly a "?" on its face. More than anything, it is in absolute wonder, about everything in the world that it is perceiving. This feeling is as fundamental as the feeling of love. If you go near the baby, it looks at you and it feels a "?", it hears you talking and it feels a "?", it feels some sensation on its skin and it feels a "?". Words and sentences are not yet formed in its mind, but a sense of wonder i.e. a "?" cannot be denied. The baby is perhaps filled with "?!?!???!??!" (imagine that!) and probably that is why it cries, out of frustration, unable to bear the onslaught of "?" and unable to satisfy this sense of wonder and enquiry. The closest sentence expressing the baby's mind is perhaps "What the hell is going on?! Where am I and what am I doing here?". We only postpone this enquiry by giving mother's comfort and milk to the baby. The baby enjoys the company of the mother and, for the time being, postpones this inescapable "?" within it.

As the baby grows older, it directs this "?" at everything it sees around it. The feeling of "?" starts manifesting as questions "What is this? Why is that?". And as adults, we continue this habit of directing "?" at external things. Discovery channel shows some documentary on galaxies and we watch it with a big wonder, i.e. a "?" on our face. A spiritual preacher talks about Samadhi, and there is a big wonder, a "?" on our face.

This way, all of us wonder about something or the other and we see a feeling of strange "?" and curiosity sprouting. But there is a bigger wonder to wonder about - what is it that feels "?"? What is the entity that wonders? How and where is this "?" sprouting? Now this is a loop - wonderer wondering about the 'wonderer' and 'wondering'. I generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?". This is the only meaningful and logical end of "?". Otherwise, I will continue to wonder about things, one after another. Now I wonder about atoms, then I wonder about space, then I wonder about Prana and so on and so forth. There is no end to "?" if we go this way. So far, there is no record of anyone who has found peace and fulfillment of knowledge this way. This type of wondering and intellectual argumentation is far from Jnana Yoga and will lead nowhere. But it is perhaps necessary only to show the enquirer that this is not Jnana Yoga. So, for the sake of formality, this step, where the seeker realizes that arguments do not lead to any goal, is also made part of Jnana Yoga. The seeker adamantly rides a donkey for a long time only to finally proclaim that it is not a horse!

In several stories and real life situations, we see that a boy born in a rich family does not know the value of money. He lavishly spends money for all sorts of things, and does not enquire about the value of money which buys him everything else. He takes money for granted. We are no different from such a boy. Just because we are aware and have the capability to question, we are lavishly using it to enquire anything and everything around us. We are not trying to enquire about the enquirer that is enquiring everything else. Awareness is always taken for granted.

So, running behind questions, one after another, is endless. The only possible end is to wonder about the entity which is capable of wondering, i.e. itself. Whether it leads to self-realization or not, whether it will be blissful or not, is irrelevant. How can I be without knowing myself? I must know myself, I have to understand this entity which is capable of enquiring. No matter how much I postpone, eventually I will necessary have to question about my own existence. No matter how many questions I ask about everything else, eventually I will necessarily have to question about the questioner. Self-enquiry is an inevitability, how can I be without knowing what I am?

Jnana Yoga is only about this feeling of "?" directed towards itself. The otherwise unending chain of questioning will only end when the questioner is questioned, when the enquirer is enquired, analyzer is analyzed and the wonderer is wondered about. And that is Self-Enquiry, manifested as "What Am I?" or "Who Am I?". The words are not important at all, only the feeling of "?" directed towards the source of "?" is vital. Although forming of words help in the beginning, enquiry finally moves towards wordlessness. It is just a "?" piercing itself. There is no involvement by intellect whatsoever. Enquiry is evidently beyond intellect.

The galaxies or atoms never wondered about themselves. It is only you that is doing it. So, clearly, the ability to question is far more mysterious than the objects being questioned. Questions will pop-up one after another and trying to answer them one by one is an unintelligent way of handling things. "?" is the common factor of all questions. So, we must enquire and know the source of "?" and dissolve the very essence of questioning. Certainly, this has to be the ultimate knowledge, where all questions are wiped out and there is no more a "?" within.

Self-enquiry is not about analyzing the mind. The usual notion when people ask the question "Do you know yourself?" is "Do you know the habits and behavior of your mind?". Here "knowing about yourself" means knowing the pattern in which his mind is working. But it is not at all "knowing about oneself". If I analyze my house, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my body, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my mind, I still haven't analyzed anything about me. I can say I have analyzed me, only if I analyze the source of analysis itself i.e. the analyzer. There is no more a Triputi. Seer-seen-seeing, Analyzer-analyzed-analyzing all three become one. This is the only viable end. There is no end as long as analyzer is not analyzed, no matter how many other things are analyzed.

This is why AI (Artificial Intelligence) cannot be produced. You cannot make a computer that is aware. If a computer is aware, that means a part of source code should be able to compile itself, which is absurd. Compiler is always different from the code being compiled. If I have a piece of code that analyzes some data, then I should make another piece of code that will analyze this first piece of code, and yet another that will analyze the second piece and so on. This way, "analyzer-analyzed" can never become one piece of code.

But surprisingly I am already that. This entity "I" is one whole piece, that is capable of compiling itself, and thus be aware. I knows I. The single word "I" denotes this wonderful thing which is impossible to develop for us. "I" am already this impossible-to-develop thing. So, instead of banging my head to create AI, why not enquire and know myself? "I Am" is an impossible thing, the biggest wonder. So, what has to be achieved has already been achieved. I have nothing more left to do. I am already that impossible. The wonderer is the biggest wonder. And that must be sought with thousand times more curiosity rather than going after some dead galaxy.

The sense of intense "?" will gulp all other thoughts as if they are insects. Have you seen any wavering in your mind when you are deeply curious about something? When I seek the source of "?", which is verily me, with keen curiosity, mind gets trampled under this enquiry. By wondering about this, curiosity can be watered little by little, no matter where you are and what your body is doing. I effortfully wonder in the beginning and when the current grows stronger, it will draw me in effortlessly. I will no more have to try anything special to calm down the mind.

Self-enquiry is not about the sentence "Who Am I?" or "What Am I?" and is all about the "?" in that sentence. Repetition of "Who Am I?" like a japa is of no value and meaning. It would be just like saying "Where is the Pen, Where is the Pen?" without actually intending to search for it.

Therefore, all I have to do is ceaselessly generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?", and wait for the answer to present itself.