50. The Imaginary Plight of Light

<< Previous - I am Miserable Because...

Light energy comes through a bulb. Due to witnessing the bulb as an individual entity (which is also a form of energy), the light-energy also gets identified as "light from this bulb". Else there is no identity to it - there is one ocean of energy. You cannot point at the light and say "this light" or "that light". There is really no division in energy (strictly speaking there is - there are packets/quanta of energy - but let us not be so rigorous - this is for the sake of an analogy). The division created in energy by saying "light from this/that bulb" is only apparent and not real. The division is due to witnessing only a part of the ocean at a time, and not recognizing that it is one whole - universe.

Similarly, the identification of consciousness as "mind from this/that body" is apparent and not real. There aren't different consciousnesses just as there aren't different energy. It is one continuum, one existence.

Therefore we have to get out of this ignorance of "this individual light" - because there is no such thing. "Light from the bulb" is not an individual; similarly "me from this brain" is not an individual - it is an unceasing flow of consciousness. It can never be pinpointed as "this". All such pinpointing is wrong (avidya - ignorance). If you say "I am the body" it is as good as the light from the bulb saying "I am this bulb" and creating an imaginary plight. Light can witness the bulb from which it is coming, but it is never the bulb. Furthermore, energy does not go out of existence, it always is; similarly, consciousness never goes out of existence, it always is. Sorry... I always am.

Therefore keenly and diligently focus on this light - the sense of 'me' - and know yourself as the undivided ocean of light, rather than as a petty bulb. And roar, 'I am That'

"I am waiting peace that passeth understanding, which is neither joy nor sorrow, but something above them both…. Now I am nearing that peace, the eternal silence. I preached the theory (of Vedanta) so long but Oh joy! I am realizing it now. Yes, I am. ‘I am free.’ Alone, alone, I am the one without a second.’" (Swami Vivekananda - 1902 May 15 - few days prior to Mahasamadhi)

47. सम्यक् सरति इति संसारः

<< Previous - Turning A Blind Eye

If you look at a whirlpool in a flowing river, it appears as though it is an object by itself. But it is just a modification of the water molecules of the river. It is not separate from the river. Water is constantly entering and leaving the vortex. But since the flux is in equilibrium (rate of inflow ~ rate of outflow), the shape of the vortex is maintained for a short period of time, and this makes it appear as though an independent object. In case of the water vortex, we can clearly notice this fact as the formation and dissolution of vortex occurs within the matter of few seconds. But we do not notice that the exact same thing is happening with our own body for the reason that it happens very slowly, over many years.

Every cell in your own body has a limited lifespan. They are born, they sustain for a preprogrammed time and then they die. Every 10 years or so, the cells in the body get completely replaced. Not a single cell that you had a few years ago exists now in your body. Atoms are entering our body and atoms are leaving our body, although at a much slower rate as compared to the water vortex. Cells are in constant flux. But since the flux is in equilibrium (rate of inflow ~ rate of outflow), a shape (body) is maintained for some period of time, and this makes it appear as though an independent object. There is no difference between the water vortex and our body in this sense. If we record a body's growth over several years in a video tape, and then watch it in fast-forward mode, it would look exactly like the water vortex.

Patanjali mentions this in one of the sutras - परिणाम एकत्वात् वस्तुतत्त्वम् (4.14).

An object is but an equilibrium in a flux. Everything that we call as objects, including our body, are all equilibriums within constant flux (of space-time-energy). Nothing remains as it is, there is constant flow. And that is the world. सम्यक् सरति इति संसारः - That which flows incessantly is the world.

Now, I am not much interested in the objects. I am more interested in this body which I am calling as 'me'. If everything has changed in my body in the last few years, if not a single cell has remained, how is it that I still feel continuity? How is it I am still the same person?

The food, which at one point is identified as different from me, becomes me after I eat it, and what I identify as me now, ceases to be me after I excrete it out of the body. But the sense of 'I' does not modify or break anywhere. This is actually a surprising thing which should generate curiosity. What I pointed at ten years back when I said 'me' doesn't exist now at all. I am only pointing at a vortex, a shape. Therefore, the body-vortex which is being pointed at cannot be me. I am the one that is pointing at the body. Body-vortex is never the same, but I am always the same. Something has remained as it is, something that identifies itself as 'me'. What is it and where is it then? What am I and where am I then?

45. Losing My Mind...

<< Previous - I Am Irony Incarnate

I was on Vinnetar. It was a number of asteroids floating together as a group and each asteroid was considered to be a different country or a continent of that planet. I belonged to a country named Glowk which was quite a tiny asteroid. I was a young man and I clearly remembered going to school in that planet. They had taught how Vinnetar was formed some millions of years ago (they used different units of time), the great legacy of the planet, how evolution happened on Vinnetar etc. I don't quite remember the exact physics of that universe, but in that universe some of the celestial bodies displayed gravitational attraction and some others had gravitational repulsion. I had parents, a home to be called as mine and a job. Everyone called me 'Snybir Aupt', that was my name. Whenever someone asked me "Who are you?" I said "I am Snybir, son of so and so, I live in so and so place".

And then all of a sudden I was on a planet called Earth. My name was different, my face was different, my parents were different and my language was different. I clearly remembered going to school on Earth and learning about how Earth was formed, the history of Earth, the laws of the Universe etc. Now when someone asked me "Who are you?", my answers were totally different. I was now 'Vasudeva Rao' with a different address. Although I still hazily remembered being on Vinnetar, I believed that it was just a dream. I said to myself that all that on Vinnetar was just imaginary - my name, parents, going to school on that planet and everything else. Now, being on Earth, the language I spoke on Vinnetar looked weird, the laws of physics of that universe looked amusing. Gravitational repulsion of that universe looked so irrational! I smiled to myself for dreaming so eccentrically and "It was just a dream that ran for few minutes" I said, and ignored everything about it.

I was on Vinnetar again. I vaguely remembered Earth and my identity in it. But now, I said to myself that Earth was a dream. The language and living habits on Earth looked very funny. A universe running on Gravitational attraction alone (without repulsive gravity) looked illogical. I just pushed all of it aside saying that it was just a vague dream that ran for few moments. I said to myself that all that on Earth was just imaginary - my name, parents, going to school on that planet and everything else. But then something amusing happened.

A man I came across at my workplace greeted me "How are you Vasudeva Rao?"

Although I distantly remembered that name I did not fully relate to it. I said "Vasudeva? I am Snybir, Snybir Aupt".

But his smile made it quite obvious that he was sure of what he was speaking. Now he said "Oh really? I met you on Earth and you said you were Vasudeva Rao."

Earth? When he said this, the dream I had about Earth occurred to me. How on Vinnetar does he know about my dreams? And that too my dream name as well! Even I had forgotten about it. I thought he was some mystic mind reader belonging to some cult and simply smiled at him, a smile that was tainted by the fear of the unknown. With that smile I replied to him "No Sir, my name is Snybir Aupt, I can guarantee".

But he did not seem to quit so easily. He asked about my Earth parents, my Earth school, my Earth job and everything else I knew from Earth. I freaked out and asked him if he had special powers to read minds. But he pushed aside all such comments and talked casually as if Earth was a neighboring country. I too pushed aside all his questions and denied everything saying that it was all imaginary and was just a dream. But I was all the time wondering how he could know all about my dreams.

I was on Earth again. Now I broke into laughter for fearing that mystic mind reader in my dreams. Obviously he was my own creation in my dream and so it was only me who made him ask those questions. He was just a projection in my dream. There was nothing mysterious in what he asked. It was just all my own dream. I heaved a sigh of relief and carried on with my Earth life.

But what followed after this, shook me up forever.

A man meets me at the market on a Sunday and greets me "Hello Snybir Aupt, how are you?"

I stand dumbstruck, unable to answer anything. This has gone way too beyond common sense. And he asks me again "Snybir, don't you remember me? I met you on Vinnetar".

I somehow recover and say "I am... Vasudeva"

He laughs heartily and says "What is this? You guaranteed to me that your name was Snybir!"

Me - "What you are speaking of is my dreams. How on earth do you know about my dreams? I am freaking out. Do you have supernatural powers?"

Man - "Wherever I meet you, whether Vinnetar or Earth, you seem to freak out. Am I that scary? As a matter of fact, I am freaking out. You give totally different answer each time and you swear on both of them! You asked the same questions on Vinnetar as well - how I knew your dreams and if I was supernatural. And there you said that your Earth life was a dream. Which one is true? That or this?"

"This is true. Don't you see? You are on Earth. This is real"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar. You said 'Don't you see, you are on Vinnetar, this is real'"

"Come on, look around you. These people are real, these streets, trees are all real. Don't you see them and feel them?"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar"

"What man! I have been here for years. I can take you to my parents who know me since my birth."

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar"

"What same thing, same thing? Come on, touch my hand. Don't you feel me? I am real!"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar. I touched your hand there also."

"Vinettar was just a dream you idiot"

"You told exactly the same on Vinettar. 'Earth was just a dream you moron'"

"Shut up, this is enough"

" You told exactly the same on Vinettar!"

I was afraid, angry and tired with this discussion. I sat down on a stone bench to take a few deep breaths. The man had not left yet. I calmed myself down and said:

"Look. Forget about that stupid Vinettar. I am now on Earth and my name is Vasudeva. Do you think I am lying? Please tell something apart from 'You told exactly the same on Vinettar'"

"No you are not lying. But you are not telling the truth either"

"How can that be? You are not making sense."

"Here on Earth, you must have learnt a little bit of Samskrita, haven't you?"

"Yes, I know some basic things"

"There are two words for truth in Samskrita - Rita and Satya. Why do you think there are two words?"

"I don't know. I think both mean the same."

"No, they don't. Rita means a limited truth of one dream and is valid within that dream alone. Satya is the universal truth which is valid across all dreams."

"Explain"

"Now you say so many things about your Earth life. None of them is a lie, but they are not Satya either. They are only Rita. What you are saying is valid only within this realm. Similarly, you speak about your Vinettar life while within that dream. Again you speak only Rita, not Satya."

"Then what is Satya?"

" You talked to me on both Vinettar and Earth and you gave answers to my questions. Questions were the same both the times. But all your answers varied. You showed a different body as yours, different parents, different house. But something is common across both the dreams. Can you tell what it is?"

"I have gone blank, I do not know if I am dreaming or awake. You tell."

"You! You are common for both the dreams. You are Satya. Your existence is the universal truth."

I recovered a little and questioned back "What about you? You are also common across both my dreams. So, are you also some universal truth? Why are you here and what do you want?"

"I was hoping you can tell that"

"How do I know what you are and what you want?"

"Now on Earth, you say that Vinettar was just your own mental projection. So you accept that I, on Vinettar, was just a mental projection. And when you are on Vinettar, you will say that Earth was your mental projection. And you will accept that I, on Earth, is just a mental projection. So, it seems like you have a common answer in both the places - I am your mental projection. It must be the Satya."

"What the hell man? This is all real. This Earth, people in it and everything else. Are you saying that I am projecting all this from my mind (showing my brain)? You are nuts"

"You told exactly the same on Vinettar, about Vinettar. You freaked out when I said that you are projecting Vinettar and everything in it. But wasn't that the truth? Now you happily accept that Vinettar was your own creation. Similarly, there you happily accept that Earth was your mental projection. Then what is the problem in accepting the same thing now? And by the way, now you are showing this brain here, but there you showed me some other brain in another body. How many brains do you have? hahahaha"

"Wait a minute. I looked completely different in both the places. Then how is it that your are able to recognize me?"

"Am I recognizing you, or are you making me recognize you? I am just your mental projection, remember? Do people in your dreams have their own will and wishes? Or is it that they are as how you want them to be?"

"How can this be? You are talking nonsense. Vinettar was all inside this brain. But this Earth, how can it be my projection?"

"So, Earth is all inside that brain on Vinettar? hahaha. You said so yourself on Vinettar!"

"Oh My God, I am going crazy"

"You are showing a brain and thinking that the brain is you. That is absolutely wrong. Earth is not inside Vinnetar brain, nor is Vinnetar inside Earth brain. The fact is that both are in you and from you. They are just two dreams of you. You are not the brain and body of the dreams. You are not the names and forms of your dreams. You are just you. Dreams do not affect you at all, but while in the dream you begin to feel that the dream world and dream identity is everything. So, you start feeling miserable and want to protect your dream identity at any cost."

I was in state of utter confusion. "I am losing my mind" I said.

"Perfect. You will have to first lose that to know what you really are. Mind is your obstacle."

Unable to understand what he spoke towards the end, I had just become still like a stone. "I cannot... what you are speaking... " I mumbled.

"You will.. one day find out who you really are. That is inevitable."

43. I Die and My Soul Leaves My Body!

<< Previous - Where Am I?

This statement should perhaps get a Nobel prize for dumbness. It can be heard in many supposed-to-be-spiritual discussions. I die, I am ended. But somehow 'mine' still remains! It is still my soul that leaves the body!

This statement demonstrates to what extent "taking for granted" can go. It is such a common statement made by all of us so many times in our lives, but never trying to understand what is it that we are uttering, never trying to stop and look if we are making any sense or not.

So, there are three entities - I, soul and the body. So, my soul is also not me, it is only mine. I die, but the soul is supposed to survive my death! Ah! Then what is it that died? Body? No, it is still there, lying like a piece of wood. Oh, I get it. How about, 'I Am'  = Body + Soul? Ok. Then that means 'I Am' awareness must come only after the soul and body come together. That means soul is also a dumb thing like the body. Soul doesn't know that it is. It does not have 'I Am' awareness. It is just a dumb piece of light, like how they show in the movies. Does that look satisfactory from any angle? No, no, the soul must have awareness, otherwise how can it be soul? It has to be the source of awareness.

So, are there two 'I's? My 'I' and my soul's 'I'? Am I two? No, I am only one. There are no two 'I Am's. Awareness is not a cake to have pieces. Then, it is not my soul. It is me. Then 'I die' is not at all valid. I continue to be.

Now, the word 'soul' has not explained anything. It is just a name. Another word for 'me'. Same is the case with the word 'Self'. It is just another word for 'me'. You will see this in advertisements "God is your inner Self. Find your inner Self"! How many selves am I made of? Am I like the ring roads of Bangalore city "Outer Ring road-Inner ring road"?

Do I need books to tell me details about 'Self'/'me'? Oh, so I have to read books to understand what I am? A dead book, which cannot read itself, which does not even know that it exists, will give me knowledge about my Self? Great. "Book may be dead, but it was written by living people". Hmm, so what did the first living person do? He must not have had any books to read. Books came first, or realization came first?

Then why should I read them? For reference. To glance now and then. To see the records of experiences of others and compare them with mine. "I don't have any experience". Then I have become a tape-recorder. May be someday I will get fed up with my rewind-replay business and I will realize that books cannot tell me what I am. That is why I have to read books. To finally come back to square one - ask 'Who Am I? Where Am I?' to myself. To hook myself onto "?". To Enquire.

40. "?" - The Essence of Enquiry

<< Previous - Why we fail to practice

Although devotional expressions such as singing are normally associated with Bhakti Yoga, actual Bhakti Yoga is only about a sense of love and surrender, an inexplicable deep feeling of "♥" and is not necessarily the gross expression of it. Similarly, although intellectual analysis is usually associated with Jnana Yoga, actual Jnana Yoga is only about a sense of enquiry, an inexplicable deep feeling of "?" and is not necessarily its gross expression. Jnana Yoga can be represented with a "?" and Bhakti Yoga with a ♥. Both of these seem to be equally fundamental in us. In this post we shall focus on "?".

What does a plain "?" invoke in you? A sense of curiosity, wonder, enquiry. It is inexplicable but you can feel it. An underlying yet unmistakable current of inquisitiveness, which can be aptly symbolized as '?', and the ensuing urge to quench it, is one of our foremost defining features. Indeed, the root of the Saṁskr̥ta term manuṣya (human) is 'mana', which means 'to know'. To be human is to be a seeker, someone who wants to know. Deep within us there is a dissatisfaction because there is a constantly bugging "?" about the world, about life and finally but most importantly about ourselves. If we ignore this core longing of ours to quench the "?", and occupy ourselves solely with the affairs of the world, then it means that we are choosing not to be human.

Although a clear-cut question is not always formed, the feeling of "?" cannot be denied. Most of the times we are unsure as to what this "?" relates to, but it is certainly there. Sometimes this feeling comes to the surface and manifests as "What is the meaning of life, what am I doing here?" etc, but may not stay for long. Again it goes back to the depths and stays as a mysterious feeling of "?". The very reason for the feeling of a strange thrill in us when we hear the word "Adhyatma, Jnana Yoga", the very reason why there is an inbuilt attraction in us towards spirituality, is due to a hope that spirituality can nullify this enigmatic "?" by providing satisfactory answers, and get rid of the discontentment within us. All our efforts, material or spiritual, is only an attempt to rid ourselves of this ghost "?".

The first ever feeling that even a new born baby shows is clearly a "?" on its face. More than anything, it is in absolute wonder, about everything in the world that it is perceiving. This feeling is as fundamental as the feeling of love. If you go near the baby, it looks at you and it feels a "?", it hears you talking and it feels a "?", it feels some sensation on its skin and it feels a "?". Words and sentences are not yet formed in its mind, but a sense of wonder i.e. a "?" cannot be denied. The baby is perhaps filled with "?!?!???!??!" (imagine that!) and probably that is why it cries, out of frustration, unable to bear the onslaught of "?" and unable to satisfy this sense of wonder and enquiry. The closest sentence expressing the baby's mind is perhaps "What the hell is going on?! Where am I and what am I doing here?". We only postpone this enquiry by giving mother's comfort and milk to the baby. The baby enjoys the company of the mother and, for the time being, postpones this inescapable "?" within it.

As the baby grows older, it directs this "?" at everything it sees around it. The feeling of "?" starts manifesting as questions "What is this? Why is that?". And as adults, we continue this habit of directing "?" at external things. Discovery channel shows some documentary on galaxies and we watch it with a big wonder, i.e. a "?" on our face. A spiritual preacher talks about Samadhi, and there is a big wonder, a "?" on our face.

This way, all of us wonder about something or the other and we see a feeling of strange "?" and curiosity sprouting. But there is a bigger wonder to wonder about - what is it that feels "?"? What is the entity that wonders? How and where is this "?" sprouting? Now this is a loop - wonderer wondering about the 'wonderer' and 'wondering'. I generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?". This is the only meaningful and logical end of "?". Otherwise, I will continue to wonder about things, one after another. Now I wonder about atoms, then I wonder about space, then I wonder about Prana and so on and so forth. There is no end to "?" if we go this way. So far, there is no record of anyone who has found peace and fulfillment of knowledge this way. This type of wondering and intellectual argumentation is far from Jnana Yoga and will lead nowhere. But it is perhaps necessary only to show the enquirer that this is not Jnana Yoga. So, for the sake of formality, this step, where the seeker realizes that arguments do not lead to any goal, is also made part of Jnana Yoga. The seeker adamantly rides a donkey for a long time only to finally proclaim that it is not a horse!

In several stories and real life situations, we see that a boy born in a rich family does not know the value of money. He lavishly spends money for all sorts of things, and does not enquire about the value of money which buys him everything else. He takes money for granted. We are no different from such a boy. Just because we are aware and have the capability to question, we are lavishly using it to enquire anything and everything around us. We are not trying to enquire about the enquirer that is enquiring everything else. Awareness is always taken for granted.

So, running behind questions, one after another, is endless. The only possible end is to wonder about the entity which is capable of wondering, i.e. itself. Whether it leads to self-realization or not, whether it will be blissful or not, is irrelevant. How can I be without knowing myself? I must know myself, I have to understand this entity which is capable of enquiring. No matter how much I postpone, eventually I will necessary have to question about my own existence. No matter how many questions I ask about everything else, eventually I will necessarily have to question about the questioner. Self-enquiry is an inevitability, how can I be without knowing what I am?

Jnana Yoga is only about this feeling of "?" directed towards itself. The otherwise unending chain of questioning will only end when the questioner is questioned, when the enquirer is enquired, analyzer is analyzed and the wonderer is wondered about. And that is Self-Enquiry, manifested as "What Am I?" or "Who Am I?". The words are not important at all, only the feeling of "?" directed towards the source of "?" is vital. Although forming of words help in the beginning, enquiry finally moves towards wordlessness. It is just a "?" piercing itself. There is no involvement by intellect whatsoever. Enquiry is evidently beyond intellect.

The galaxies or atoms never wondered about themselves. It is only you that is doing it. So, clearly, the ability to question is far more mysterious than the objects being questioned. Questions will pop-up one after another and trying to answer them one by one is an unintelligent way of handling things. "?" is the common factor of all questions. So, we must enquire and know the source of "?" and dissolve the very essence of questioning. Certainly, this has to be the ultimate knowledge, where all questions are wiped out and there is no more a "?" within.

Self-enquiry is not about analyzing the mind. The usual notion when people ask the question "Do you know yourself?" is "Do you know the habits and behavior of your mind?". Here "knowing about yourself" means knowing the pattern in which his mind is working. But it is not at all "knowing about oneself". If I analyze my house, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my body, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my mind, I still haven't analyzed anything about me. I can say I have analyzed me, only if I analyze the source of analysis itself i.e. the analyzer. There is no more a Triputi. Seer-seen-seeing, Analyzer-analyzed-analyzing all three become one. This is the only viable end. There is no end as long as analyzer is not analyzed, no matter how many other things are analyzed.

This is why AI (Artificial Intelligence) cannot be produced. You cannot make a computer that is aware. If a computer is aware, that means a part of source code should be able to compile itself, which is absurd. Compiler is always different from the code being compiled. If I have a piece of code that analyzes some data, then I should make another piece of code that will analyze this first piece of code, and yet another that will analyze the second piece and so on. This way, "analyzer-analyzed" can never become one piece of code.

But surprisingly I am already that. This entity "I" is one whole piece, that is capable of compiling itself, and thus be aware. I knows I. The single word "I" denotes this wonderful thing which is impossible to develop for us. "I" am already this impossible-to-develop thing. So, instead of banging my head to create AI, why not enquire and know myself? "I Am" is an impossible thing, the biggest wonder. So, what has to be achieved has already been achieved. I have nothing more left to do. I am already that impossible. The wonderer is the biggest wonder. And that must be sought with thousand times more curiosity rather than going after some dead galaxy.

The sense of intense "?" will gulp all other thoughts as if they are insects. Have you seen any wavering in your mind when you are deeply curious about something? When I seek the source of "?", which is verily me, with keen curiosity, mind gets trampled under this enquiry. By wondering about this, curiosity can be watered little by little, no matter where you are and what your body is doing. I effortfully wonder in the beginning and when the current grows stronger, it will draw me in effortlessly. I will no more have to try anything special to calm down the mind.

Self-enquiry is not about the sentence "Who Am I?" or "What Am I?" and is all about the "?" in that sentence. Repetition of "Who Am I?" like a japa is of no value and meaning. It would be just like saying "Where is the Pen, Where is the Pen?" without actually intending to search for it.

Therefore, all I have to do is ceaselessly generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?", and wait for the answer to present itself.

36. Part 3 - The Self-Enquiry

<< Previous - Part 2 - The Grinding

The 3 paragraphs below explain the 3 aspects of the picture 'I Am that I Am' which is shown on the sidebar.

Whenever we utter a word, say ‘book’, we point at something (a book) that is supposedly apart from us. In the same way, when I say ‘hands’, or ‘legs’ I point at something. It may even be ‘my’ hands and legs, but nevertheless I am able to point at it like an object. So, a sound (say ‘book’) which otherwise does not have any meaning, is associated with an object and given a meaning. The name ‘book’ is merely a sound, meaning for ‘book’ is being given by me. This way we point at all objects around us and associate a sound with it. So, we have name-form at this level.

But what am I pointing at when I say ‘mind’? I am not pointing at anything as in the above scenario. Instead, when I say ‘mind’ I point at that which is saying ‘mind’. So, there is only a name, but no form associated. Here, the name (mind) is pointing at itself, and the name itself has virtually become the form.

Finally what is it that I am pointing at when I say ‘I Am’? Mind? Ok. Accepted that mind says ‘I Am’. But is mind pointing at itself when it says ‘I Am’? Are ‘mind’ and ‘I’ the same? But ‘I’ is only a sound and belongs to a language. So, if I do not make that sound in my mind, do I cease to exist? Don’t I still feel my existence as always? Mind becomes non-existent when there are no thoughts (as in deep sleep), but do I become non-existent?

If we argue that ‘I Am’ is only a thought, then it means that I cease to exist everyday when I go to sleep. But then how is there continuity between before and after sleep? Who is it that remembers and feels good about sleep? Who was observing the thoughtless state?

Suppose I do not know any language. That means I cannot say ‘I Am’ in the mind in any language. But isn’t the meaning of ‘I Am’ still available? Am I not aware of my self even then? That feeling is termed as ‘I-I’ by Ramana Maharshi. This is the first hand experience of everyone, independent of languages, independent of sense perceptions. It is the only absolute experience. All other relative sensual experiences are based on this absolute awareness of ‘I-I’.

What is so great about it? I feel ‘I-I’ even now. Yes and No. We are aware of the existence, but there is a twist – existence as something. Sun says ‘I Am [the solar system]’. I say ‘I Am [the body]’. The term in the bracket is somehow there, even without being said. Only awareness can say ‘I Am’ and only awareness can say ‘This and That’. But the problem is that awareness mixes both and says ‘I Am this’. And the aim is to become just ‘I Am’ from ‘I Am this’ or ‘I Am that’. And that is Self-realization. Easy, isn’t it?

That is why it is said: Self is already realized, Self-Realization is getting rid of the notion that I am not Self-Realized. There are no two selfs – one that exists, and another that becomes aware of it. It is one. I am helplessly aware, I cannot do anything about it. Then what is the problem? Problem is that instead of being what I am, I am constantly holding onto ‘this’ or ‘that’ which change. As soon as I slip into sleep, I create and catch hold of another body in the dream. As soon as I die, I create and catch hold of a subtle body (similar to dream) and continue to live with it. A strong dementia that says ‘I Am something’. Awareness can neither be born nor can it die, but objects under the light of awareness keep changing.

The purpose of self-enquiry is to turn the blazing light of sun on himself, instead of focusing the light on some planet. Aim is to completely remove ‘this’/‘that’ and be just ‘I Am’.

To do that, first of all there cannot be thousands of planets revolving around the Sun chaotically. Because then the Sun helplessly starts looking at them and goes back to the same dementia ‘I Am solar system’. So, first of all the solar system should become peaceful with as less planets as possible. All the breathing/meditation techniques are meant only to do this – to reduce the thoughts to the minimum and keep the mind peaceful while awake. Without first calming down the mind, perhaps self-enquiry is a far-fetched idea. Because awareness will be continuously focusing on some thought and each thought will have the notion ‘I Am the body’ inbuilt in it. Once the mind is calm, by following regulation of Raja Yoga, then enquiry may be practiced.

Sit, lie down or be however you are, absolutely no problem. Close your eyes and then say ‘I Am’ (in any language) in the mind repeatedly like a mental Japa. Please read all the below points very carefully.

• Each time, before you say ‘I Am’, the decision to say ‘I Am’ is made first. Carefully observe - Where is this decision being taken? (Attention on Source)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, focus on the meaning of this phrase, do not say mechanically. And while doing so, carefully observe - What is this phrase ‘I Am’ pointing at? (Attention on Target)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, you can clearly see that you are watching it being said, just like how you watch others speak something. Carefully observe the observer (Attention on the process)

Do not go into a rhythm “I Am…I Am…I Am”. We are not after 1008 mahajapa of ‘I Am’!! In these cases Japa will keep happening mechanically and mind will start thinking something else. Instead do it arrhythmic “I Am……I Am………..I Am”. In fact, if the above three points are followed, it is automatically arrhythmic. Although we are saying ‘I Am’, our focus is not at all on the word ‘I Am’. We are only focusing on from where it comes, what it points at, and who is observing it. That becomes real Japa.

With this Japa, you are constantly trying to push the focus onto the source, the true You. No other japa can replace ‘I Am’ (Aham in Samskrita). Because with any other word, all three points (source, target and process) cannot be covered at once. Only in the case of ‘I Am’ japa, all the three direct at the same – Self.

Even if this Japa is done ONCE correctly, there will be a hint of uncovering. Do it whenever you feel like and wherever you are – office, bus-stop or bedroom. Do it for few minutes and several times a day. Do not worry if the mind is restless. Same as how mind is sometimes restless naturally, it is also calm sometimes naturally. So make the best use of the times when mind becomes calm on its own. Initially that may be just few minutes a day. If we suddenly feel calm in between work, or while travelling in a bus, then that is when enquiry has to happen. That is enough to begin with. But usually we do not make use of that because we think practice should be done only sitting in Padmasana in front of a photo. No, that is totally secondary. Self-Enquiry can be done anywhere, anytime, however you are sitting. The only necessity for enquiry is You, not the equipments, posture or the room. This is Self-Enquiry, not room-enquiry or asana-enquiry. So, begin with the few minutes of the day when you are calm, catch hold of this thread and as days pass by the enquiry will slowly spread itself in your routine. Practicing the regulation of Raja Yoga/Hatha Yoga (food regulation, breath regulation etc) will greatly aid the enquiry by promoting calmness of mind.

While practicing Self-Enquiry, all the discussions of the previous post may come in handy. For e.g. as soon as we begin enquiring mind says “Oh Self-Realization is possible only for few blessed people”. So, enquiry related arguments are equally important to get rid of these notions and constantly keep the focus on enquiry. Pushing the batter back to the centre-spot is equally necessary along with rotating the grinding stone. Ramana Maharshi’s teachings provide a comprehensive set of arguments for satisfying the mind’s endless weaknesses, queries, doubts and wrong notions (only some of them were presented in this blog till now). When mind is thus satisfactorily shut-up again and again, one day it stops arguing, leaving Self-Enquiry undisturbed.

“What is it that I want? Self-Realization. Who is yearning? Me. What for? My Self. How can there be two Selfs? There can’t be. So, if it is only one Self, then what is it that I am searching for? Am I already not my Self?”

35. Part 2 - The Grinding

<< Previous - Part 1 - The Self-Dementia

Now, what is the solution for this dementia? What should the Sun do to know the truth? What should I do to know the truth? Several paths are preached. But eventually all have to culminate into one - Self-Enquiry, which is emphasized with utter simplicity by Ramana Maharshi.

In my childhood, I used to see my mother grinding rice using a heavy grinding stone using her own hands. In one hand she would be rotating the stone and in another hand she would be skillfully pushing the crushed rice paste again and again back into the center, because as the stone crushes the batter, most of it gets squeezed out. If not pushed back again, it will remain on the edges without being subject to further crushing. This way rotating the stone alone will not produce the smooth batter, the repeated act of pushing the squeezed-out portion is equally necessary. It has to be skillfully done because a small error would make the hand itself get crushed.

Similarly, Self-Enquiry is like the stone that crushes the wrong notions and wrong knowledge. But as we do this, so many wrong notions escape our attention and squeeze themselves out from the pressure spot. If unnoticed, they will remain happily stagnated on the edges without being crushed. They have to be repeatedly pushed back to the center so that they get crushed fully in the end. Contemplations subsidiary to the main enquiry are equally necessary, and they have to be repeatedly carried out, because notions do not change overnight. So, both the meanings of the word ‘grinding’ matches our purpose here 1) Crushing 2) Instill by persistent repetition. At the same time it has to be done skillfully, i.e. with sharp logic and reasoning. Else the contemplation may again lead to wrong notions and narrow-mindedness.

When I read Ramana, more than the explanation of Self-Enquiry, I saw that he corrects so many of the deep rooted wrong notions that we have about Self-Realization. And when they are gone, or even weakened, enquiry should become spontaneous. It is these wrong notions that block the most obvious question ‘Who Am I’ from springing up within me. It is these wrong notions that has made me act like a sheep instead of knowing that I am a Lion. This dementia is very strong. And hence, contemplation also has to be intense, regular and continuous if at all the dementia has to be eradicated. Along with the practice of actual Self-Enquiry, which we will see in the next post, contemplation to crush all the associated wrong notions greatly aids the enquiry. So we will see them first.

The biggest notion that has to be pounded repeatedly is – “I will attain something with Self-Realization”. I will not attain anything. I already am. But I am assigning the existence of ‘I’ to a very limited part of the dream, called a body. The Sun is assigning his existence to a very limited existence of the planets. So, the only thing to be done is to find out what I mean by ‘I’. This idea “I will not attain anything with realization, there is nothing to be attained” has to be intensely contemplated upon, with the reasoning that if something is attainable, then it can be lost as well. Such a temporary state cannot become the final goal. So, this cannot be something attainable. It should always be, here and now. But I may be ignoring what I am, like the Sun.

Somewhat related to the above is “I will become something after Self-Realization”. I will not become anything. I am already what I am. In fact it is now that I have virtually become a limited something – the body. So, in the real sense realization is un-becoming, un-becoming something limited. The original state always is, we cannot become what we already are. We only un-become what we are not. And that too is virtual, self-imposed, like the Sun’s self-imposed becoming.

“There will be light everywhere and I will hear OM Kara”. Hmm. This one is quite funny. Do you have to see light for you to be yourself? Do you have to hear OM Kara for you to be yourself? What do we want? Self-Realization or Light-Realization? If I am seeing light, that means I am still separate from light. Seer, seeing and seen still exist. How is this any better than seeing sunlight or tube-light? The seer should be realized, not some light or sound. All these are unnecessary attractions and distractions. So, let us not run after some dumb light or sound. Always remember the goal – (your) Self, and not any object ‘seen’ or ‘heard’ by the Self (you). If some light is indeed seen, then the question has to be “How is it that I am seeing? What Am I?”

“Self-Realization is very difficult. Krishna himself told in the Gita”. The same Krishna has told that it is ‘Susukham’, utterly easy, in the 9^th chapter. It is up to us which one we will hold on to. Negative mind only tries to find excuses, and ignores the inspirations. A positive mind only looks for boosts, and ignores negative statements. But in fact, Krishna never said directly that it is difficult. He says “Out of many, only few will try, and out of that few who try, again a very few will reach the goal”. Well, this is normal. It is up to us to decide whether we will yield and be a drop-out or persevere and be a winner. Moreover, you just look around you. How many are into spirituality? A very small percentage of the world’s population, isn’t it? And among the ones who are into spirituality, how many do you think are into genuine spirituality and how many into hocus-pocus spirituality? That answers your doubt! You are already among the very very few who are into genuine spirituality without any unnecessary distractions. That means, statistically speaking as per Krishna’s words, there is a very high scope for you and me! J

This one is a little subtle – “I feel very calm. Mind becomes so quiet and there are no thoughts”. Very good. But it is not over yet. Who is it that is witnessing calmness? The object of perception has become very subtle – blankness, silence. But the seer is still not realized. Instead the seer is occupied looking at the blankness and silence. The truth is beyond sound and silence. But since we cannot call it as sound, we attribute silence to it. The truth is beyond light and darkness. But since we cannot call it as darkness, we attribute light to it. The truth is beyond knowledge and ignorance. But since we cannot call it as ignorance, we associate knowledge with it. The truth is beyond freedom and bondage. But since we cannot call it as bondage, we attribute freedom to it. But all the while, the truth is beyond all dualities. And what is that truth? Something hidden in the skies? Absolutely not. It is the closest to you, nearest to you, dearest to you. It is YOU, Awareness.

“Aham Brahmasmi – I will realize that I am omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent”. If we analyze carefully, all these words are meaningless. Because first of all, is there really an ‘everywhere’? Dream explanation will help us understand this better. In my sleep, I create the dream, and actually I am the whole dream. So, I myself first create ‘everywhere’ and then I say ‘I am everywhere, I am omnipresent’. Why all this circus? In fact the ‘everywhere’ is within me. So, “I am everywhere” is the wrong way of saying it. Same is the case with omniscient and omnipotent. The truth is simply is, it is neither here, nor there. I simply am, neither here, nor there. Here-there are within me.

This way there are umpteen of them which come in the later stages – “I will become divine”, “I will become immortal”, “I will become a great spiritual saint, all will respect me”, “I will get special powers” etc. But the funny part is in all of these the ‘I’ again means the body. So, the enquirer is back at square one! The enquiry has stopped and the enquirer has again gone back to the notion ‘I am a body’, thereby creating a sense of separation from the rest of the dream. What is the use how great I become in my own dream? I may even become a superman flying around, but still I am stuck in the dream. Flying in the dream is as useless as walking in it. Prison is a prison, whether made of iron or diamonds.

The only thing to do is to relentlessly push all these escaped notions back to the hotspot – the original enquiry – “I will become great? Ok. Fine. But what is this I?”

Next post - The Self-Enquiry

34. Part 1 - The Self-Dementia

<< Previous - Vivekananda's Involution Theory

And we are back to business...

Whatever path is followed, eventually it has to culminate in Self-enquiry. That is certain. And this is told because of some simple common sense. The name given by the seers to the goal is Self-Realization, Atma-Sakshatkara. And our own Self, which we say we do not feel now (Weird! Who is saying it then?), should be findable only with a search, an enquiry. How can meditating on an object possibly let us see our Self? My mind may even merge with that object and attain Samadhi, but what is the use? Still I have not found out what I am. I am still separate from that object. There is still the question – what makes me perceive that object? What is the meaning of Awareness? What Am I?

Similarly, how can repeating a mantra possibly let us see our Self? How can regulating breathing possibly let us see our Self? They are all practices meant to calm the mind down, no doubt, but they have to be let go off eventually. They cannot show the end. The vehicle cannot go inside the building. Finally we have to walk and search. And at that stage nothing is required for it, no tool, except our own search, an enquiry. The Sun, does not require torchlight to search and realize himself!

Ah, why is this stupid Self-enquiry so difficult? Why don’t I feel anything special in the question ‘What Am I?’?

The sun is helplessly projecting out light rays. He is luminous, helplessly. He is brilliant, helplessly. And because of light, he gives meaning to ‘seeing’, helplessly. Light rays reflect back from some objects around him. And then he sees those objects around him, helplessly. He sees them continuously, for millions of years. He then thinks that the planets’ existence is his existence. “If all planets vanish, I will vanish” the Sun thinks “If all planets vanish, I am dead”. He effectively makes the solar system his body. The mighty sun, millions of time bigger than the puny planets, now thinks that his existence is that of few planets around him. The self-luminous majestic Sun, now thinks that his existence will cease to be if there is no planet to be seen around him. He is now afraid of that blankness. Because he strongly believes that the planets are the origin of light and seeing is possible only because of the planets. He wants some planet or the other to be around him. He wants something to hold onto and make that his existence (body). He is uncomfortable of the idea that he can be without a solar system. He thinks that is his annihilation. He is now afraid to be all by himself, because he doesn’t even think that it is possible. According to the Sun, ‘No planets’ = ‘No light’ = ‘No seeing’ = ‘Horrible Blankness and Darkness’ = ‘The End’ = ‘My death’. The focus, thus, upturns. The subject of seeing (Sun) thinks that objects of seeing are a must for seeing and its existence. He now believes that seeing is possible because of the planets, not because of himself. So, at any cost, he is ready to protect the planets. He cries if some planet is lost, and jumps in joy when a new planet is formed. The roaring lion, thus, becomes a meowing cat.

Now, I leave the job of convincing the truth to this stupid Sun to you. You try to decide what to tell this funny Sun, on how to realize his true identity. You tell him that he can very well exist without the planets; Seeing is because of him, not because of the objects seen; Light is from him, not the planets; He is self-luminous, he is so big and majestic, ever brilliant, giving light to everything.

The Sun, probably now bored of seeing the planets (I mean, bored of life, bored of ups and downs), carefully listens to you, and says “So wonderful! Sun-realization! Ah, so powerful I will become. Hmm.. Please guide me. How can achieve that state?”

You – “Arre idiot, what do you want to achieve? You are already that. You ARE the Sun. So, Sun-realization is nothing new for you. But you are ignoring that and acting funny. You just be. That is all.”

Sun – “Oh Ok” (what is this guy speaking? I am the Sun? I should just be? Am I not 'being' now? Must be a crackpot…)

This is the closet analogy we can think of for Self-Realization. It will not explain everything, of course nothing can, but will only make us think. If we apply the same argument for Self-Realization, the discussions will be slightly different, some of which we have already seen in some of the earlier posts.

I exist, helplessly. And more importantly, I am aware, helplessly. Because of the awareness, I give meaning to all sense perceptions, helplessly. I perceive objects with my awareness, helplessly. Slowly, objects start winning all my attention, including a body to be called my own. I do not see anything special in my own Awareness. I start taking ‘Awareness’ for granted. “What is so special about it?” I think, but ironically all the time using only that to know the entire world around me. The objects perceived because of the awareness start becoming near and dear, but not the source of awareness. Body and other objects start defining me. Without them I am pathetic. Without them, I think, I do not exist. How can I exist without an object (body) to be aware of? How can I exist as pure awareness without any object of perception? Impossible! I decide that my awareness is because of the functioning of the body (Sun – seeing is because of the planets reflection, not my light), not other way round! And if that object ceases to function, then I am dead.. Boo hoo… I die… because there won’t be anything to be aware of, and hence there cannot be awareness. And if there is no awareness, that means I die. (Sun – if all planets vanish, then it will be total darkness and nothing to see. No seeing = I die). I shall protect this body with utmost care. It is everything. I shall love it the most. It is my existence, the cause for my awareness, without which I become extinct.

Same as earlier, please convince me otherwise. I leave the job to you. I will only give a basic argument below, from Ramana Maharshi.

Was I extinct as I am arguing when I lost awareness of this body in dream sleep and deep sleep? Wasn’t I happily living with another body in dream? I am jumping from one object of awareness to another, but all the time the same me is aware. Source is the same, only the solar system changed. And in deep sleep? Didn’t I still exist without anything to hold on to? Was I miserable as I thought? No! I was so blissful! Sleep is so wonderful! That means, me, as the source of awareness, is a wonderful state, I love it!

Perhaps, the picture will now make me think in the right direction. “I Am This”, “I Am That” is all wrong. “This, That” are all objects made evident only because of my awareness. “I Am I Am” is the only meaningful sentence. Yes, “I Am I Am” – I am the subject, and I am the object. I am aware of my own existence. Existence, not of any object/body/thought, but simple existence that is aware of itself. I am aware of my Self. Existence-Awareness is one whole – Sat-Chit and the result is pure bliss – Ananda. Because I am complete, perfect, content. I do not need anything for me to be. I AM, always.

I Am That I Am

- Continued

23. Part 1 - The Ascent

<< Previous - Bed Time Stories

From bits and pieces of information that flowed from different people and books, I have written a story below. This story will show that self-enquiry is not dry, but will lead to such colorful stories ;) Self-enquiry sometimes gets diverted into big-time dreaming! And this is what we can munch before going to bed ;)

Just a few details before we go into the story. A river named Saraswati is mentioned at several places in the Vedas and some Puranas. Rigveda goes to the extent of saying "Saraswati is the best river, best mother and best Goddess". It has mention of people crossing this river in ships - such big was this river. There were supposed to have been battles that took place between the people living on either banks of this huge river. Where was this river and where is it now? Indians blindly believed the stupid Aryan invasion theory written by a westerner, and put it even in school text books. It is only recently that some real fact-finding research has been undertaken (and real facts of older researches have been revealed) and the glory of ancient India is coming to light.

Satellite images have revealed that a huge river still flows several miles underneath Rajasthan. And there are sufficient evidences now to know that it is the river Saraswati. A book was published in 2010 "The Lost River: On the Trail of the Saraswati" giving details of the research findings. Saraswati was flowing majestically once upon a time, in today's Rajasthan desert, and nourished its children for several millennia towards the immortal knowledge - the knowledge of the Self.
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Thousands of years ago, on the banks of river Saraswati, a civilization flourished and reached the pinnacles of glory. Their science was developed so much that they could even travel to different worlds and communicate with extra terrestrials. Today, science means going to a lab and doing an experiment. No doubt, this is one way of scientific development. But this is not the only way of scientific development. The Saraswati civilization had developed science in their own way and were quite advanced in technology. The secret behind their success was its sustainability – unlike today’s science which only sucks and slowly drains nature, their science was in tune with nature and harnessed all the potentials of nature without disturbing the balance of ecosystem. That is why the civilization could sustain for a few thousand years without any sort of disruption.

They had discovered Surya Vijnana (the science of the Sun) which deals with subtle cosmic rays. They found two primary types of rays – Solar and Lunar. They are not to be understood as merely sun rays and moon rays. They were not the normal electromagnetic rays of light. The rays belonged to a subtler realm and the names given – Solar and Lunar - were based on the characteristics of these subtle rays. Same as how you give title names to a person based on his characteristics. Then they found permutations and combinations of these two rays giving rise to several different types of rays. Same as how electron, proton, neutron permuted differently give rise to different elements. All physical objects and manifestations, they found to be made up of combinations of these rays.

Each manifestation at physical level has a corresponding ray-signature at subtle level. For e.g. water has a particular ray-signature, dryness another signature etc. Each living entity – human, animal, plants etc – all have specific energy signatures of their own. And within one species, again there will be variation in energy signatures. For e.g. rose plant will have a different energy signature than a banyan tree. They found that fire can be used as a medium to manipulate the energy signature of the surrounding environment as a whole. They did experiments after experiments and found what plants, what type of oils can manipulate water content in the atmosphere and produce rain. These plants and oils were burnt in fire and consequently a particular energy signature would become rich in that region. This will slowly manifest in the physical world as rain. Rain was the primary focus, but not the only energy signature that they learnt to manipulate. They had learnt to regulate all of nature’s forces through different types of Yajnas.

You may ask “What is the need to regulate nature? Will it not work perfectly if left alone?”. Well, yes. Plant and animal kingdoms are programmed and they live almost without choice. So, they do not harm nature and the nature-regulation will evolve very slowly over thousands of years. But human beings got the power of intellect and free choice. Currently our generation is using the intellect to disturb the balance of nature and degrade the evolution and regulation of nature. So, that makes up two possibilities – maintain as it is (animals and plants) and inhibition (current civilization). Then why can’t the third possibility be explored? Why can’t human beings, with their intellect, catalyze the regulation of nature and make it evolve towards perfection faster? That is what Saraswati civilization tried to do. They tried to make nature more beautiful and well regulated through their efforts. Because finally it is only going to help the inhabitants in their struggle towards perfection. Their science was more of common sense than complicated logic.

This way they had used science and common sense to make a better living in harmony with nature. Then they found that regulating the nature alone was insufficient to make them feel secure and self-assured. Something was missing. They realized that if people constrict themselves into smaller groups, they invariably get to face extremes of good and bad. Whereas if the group is big and the whole society lives as one family, complementing each other in all the needs and difficulties, then the fluctuation of fate reduced. Thus, they added ‘Dana’ to all the vaidika karmas that they performed. If some needy are not given money, food etc then the vaidika karma was not considered complete. It was made a mandatory part (Refer Rationale Behind Service).

This constituted the initial part of the Vedas – the Karma Kanda. It promotes primarily two things – Rituals and Service. Rituals were designed using Surya Vijnana to bring harmony between man and nature. And service was promoted to bring harmony between man and man, so as to boost oneness.

This way positivity was boosted by using two basic entities – common sense and service attitude. A sect of people was assigned only this duty – boosting positivity in the society – and they were called the Brahmanas. They performed Yajnas on behalf of the society. They did not accumulate wealth. But society took care of them with respect. Kshatriyas were given the charge of protecting the society through proper administration and Vaishyas looked after business, banking and trading. All the remaining miscellaneous professions were categorized as Shudras – From doctors, engineers, sportsman, actors to sweepers and servants.

This continued well for several hundreds of years. The beautiful harmony and positivity built in their society catalyzed their mental evolution to a great extent. And slowly, people began thinking about the meaning of life, ‘Who Am I’ etc. Since there was nothing whatsoever to worry about in their wonderful society, most of them could peacefully contemplate and enquire about deeper concepts of spirituality. The question ‘Who Am I’ became very strong in some of them. Just as how Ramana Maharshi got pulled into the strong current of Self-Enquiry and got the answer in a flash, many got pulled into it and found the answer to this ultimate question ‘Who Am I’. This was the culmination of all their science and efforts. Many of them wrote down their experiences and that became the later part of the Vedas – the Upanishads or the Jnana Kanda.

These people proclaimed that it is only for Self-Realization that everybody and everything exists. There is no other purpose for life. It was the most blissful, most powerful, most free state and the entire experience couldn’t be put in words. They said it can only be experienced. This became the hot topic of the times, just as how money is the hot topic now. Everyone wanted to desperately attain that state and know their Self. Several conversations between an aspirant and a Guru were also recorded and added as Upanishads. “Self-Realization”, “Brahman”, “Atma” these words echoed throughout the cities and forests. Thousands and thousands of people were so eager that they were ready to give up anything to attain that state. Money was not heard of anywhere! It was just there as an entity of transaction, but hardly spoken about by the people! Most of them were least bothered about accumulating money. They were happy with whatever they had. A person going after excessive money was thought to be an eccentric “What is wrong with him? What will he get with money?” was the notion. Same as how people today say “What is wrong with him? What will he get with spirituality?”.

The design of the entire system was such that Durga (Power - Kshatriyas) and Lakshmi (Money - Vaishyas) should finally aid their sister Saraswati (Knowledge - Brahmanas). The final goal was always Saraswati, with Lakshmi and Durga being secondary and assisting factors. Any activity was considered meaningful only if it supplemented Saraswati, knowledge of the Self. Else it was considered useless. Same as how today anything is considered meaningful only if we can get some money out of it. The question ‘What is the use?’ in today’s world relates to money. But in those days the same phrase related to knowledge, knowledge of the Self. “Why should I do this? Will it take me closer to Self-Enquiry?” was the slogan. Thus, the river, which was the backbone of their survival was also named as ‘Saraswati’. The vital nourishment they received from the river Saraswati was symbolic of the nourishment they received from knowledge of the Self.

When a vessel of water is heated, although the water is getting heated as a whole, all the water will not evaporate at once. First only one bubble will form. Then another and so on. One by one bubbles will rise up and then evaporate into the air. Similarly, although the entire society was peaceful and serene, first only a few bubbles escaped. Only a few got into the quest and realized their Self. But they understood that their realization was the product of the whole society’s effort. The water bubble is formed due to the selfless convection of water molecules within the vessel. No water molecule will stay at the bottom and say “I will receive more heat and escape fast”. But there is a continuous convection of molecules within the vessel to see to it that heat is uniformly distributed throughout the water content. Finally, one bubble gets formed first – and that is the product of the effort of all the selfless molecules of water. The bubble should be thankful to the entire water content for enabling its formation by heat convection.

Similarly, not all of the society got into Self-enquiry all at once. It was like the gradual boiling of the water. Some got realized first. And they promptly noticed that the whole system is working as a whole. They knew that their realization was the fruition of the effort of the whole society. Most of them remained amidst society and guided the remaining bubbles towards freedom. And in turn, these realized people were the most revered of all in the society. They never asked for anything from anybody. They just lived with what came to them unasked and took only as much as they needed for the basic survival of the body. Serving them was considered to be the most important duty of a householder, who is still in the process of getting boiled in spirituality. Householders, by following the injunctions of Karma Kanda (scientific rituals and loving service), would one day naturally be pulled into the current of self-enquiry.

- Continued

21. Hide and Seek

<< Previous - Free Fall

Self is already realized. You only have to know that you are Self-Realized. You have to only remove the notion that you are not Self-realized.

“Aghh… I will agree to some extent with all the 20 posts that you have written till now. But not this. Do not dump some nonsense statements on me! Just because you wrote some logical arguments to explain several concepts till now, you cannot sneak in some unreasonable statements and expect me to accept them.”

Chill chill! No statement made in the blog will go unexplained. Not just explaining with some goody goody, decorative and impractical speeches as in religious discourses, nor explaining with some unending, meaningless and boring philosophical jargon. But we shall look at it with pure common sense and try to understand and see the practical implication. That was the very purpose of this blog. To revive common sense ;)

I go to a star hotel to have a grand buffet lunch. 60 food items are lined up just for greedy people like me. I am actually going crazy inside, I do not know what to eat and what to leave. I want to taste everything. Now I see a peculiar dish with a strange name that I have not heard till now, say ‘Bul Bul Boiler’. Its aroma is exotic and its looks are irresistible. I am very hungry and like how the tiger pounces on a deer, with all my animal instincts in full force, I serve myself with four big spoons of that dish. With a plate overflowing with food, and with a drooling mouth, I come, sit down and begin to eat. I first taste this Bul Bul Boiler, my most awaited item. But the moment I taste it, I know that I hate it. “This is so horrible” I exclaim. I continue eating other dishes and in the end, leave the mysterious dish untouched.

Suppose my friend who is with me asks “Hey why are you throwing so much of food?”, I have a reason ready “That item is horrible”. My friend says “Oh, it was not so bad as you say”. I say “Huh, you like and eat all dishes, actually that dish was not even worth tasting. I do not know why they even prepared this dish. Everybody will only throw this”.

But my conscience is pricking me all the while, I know that it was my mistake that I served myself too much just because of my greed. But now that my friend has questioned me, I am growing restless. I want to prove to others that it is not my mistake. I go to the manager and criticize the food. And to cover up further, I also criticize the hospitality and hygiene of the hotel. I point out one small mistake of the poor waiter as a big crime. The manager is very experienced and he knows all this stupidity of the customers. He acts as if he is very sorry for the great sin the hotel management has committed. I do the vote of thanks “Ok, It is alright” and end the proceedings of the day (Everybody thinks that he who ends the conversation and has the last say is the winner). After all my drama, I look at my friend with a smile of victory. I have successfully buried my mistake using my sharp wit. I am very content and I walk with my chest up.

But then… Who cheated who? Who beat who? Who hid the truth from who? Don’t I know that mistake was mine? Don’t I know that I was the one who was blind with greed? The dish may be of a peculiar taste liked by some people. After all, it is a buffet and I am free to serve whatever I want. Did anybody force me and stuff it into my throat?

I used reasoning ability so shrewdly that I argued with others and hid my mistake. But can I hide it from myself? No matter what and how much I argue, don’t I know that finally it was my mistake? Now the question – Are there two Selfs? One that knows the mistake and the other that hides the mistake? No! And Yes! My Self has to be one whole, ‘I’ cannot be two. But apparently there are two, because I am actually trying to hide a fact from myself! Who hides from who? Paradox!

In the process of arguing with others and cheating others, am I actually not cheating my own self? Am I not pushing my own Self away from me? Am I not blocking my own Self from me? This way, I probably cheat myself 20-30 times a day. Layer by layer, inch by inch, I am putting dirt after dirt and covering up my own Self from me. I do not listen to my own Self, I threaten it and I suppress it. And then how can my own Self be transparent and visible to me? And then I say ‘I am not Self Realized, it is very difficult’. Really? Is it difficult? After all what am I going to realize? My own Self! So, just to realize my own self I need help from outside? I need help from scriptures? Is this like getting an M.B.A. degree? Who hid from who and now who is seeking who?

The true Self that we suppress is called ‘Atma Sakshi’ in scriptures. But do we need scriptures to tell us that we have an Atma Sakshi? Isn’t Atma Sakshi another name for ‘Me’? Do we need scriptures to tell us that we exist? Apparently we do, because we have forgotten ourselves. We remember everything else except our true Self. The apparent split Self is explained by the scriptures as the Sun and its reflection. We have been believing that the reflection of the true Self – the ego – is itself the true Self. And we were always busy pleasing the ego and suppressing the true source, the Sun, ever shining and brilliant, Self-evident awareness. Pleasing the ego by suppressing the Self is called as Prajnaparadha in Ayurveda and that, it says, is one of the root causes of diseases. Ayurveda talks of diseases of the body, but if we look at it truly, the biggest disease is cheating ourselves by saying ‘I am this body’, the deepest Prajnaparadha. Because no matter how much we argue with others that I am this body, we ourselves know that deep inside us we are not happy with that answer.

A witty excuse for not practicing Jnana Yoga (the path of Inquiry) is this – “You must have read all scriptures to know philosophy”. Oh! What came first? People or the books? Books gave rise to knowledge or people’s knowledge gave rise to books? And if one person could experience something, why can’t I experience the same? He just wrote his experience in the form of scriptures. What good it will do to me if I just mug up the whole lot and display my ‘scholarliness’? Do I get to know my Self then? All unnecessary distractions. We can use the scriptures, if at all we want to use them, only as validations of our own experiences and revelations. Finally they are meant to be a reference book, not a text book.

Books only remind us what we already know. If one person could experience something, then even I must be able to do it. Universality of its principles is the hard truth of nature. It cannot be different at different times for different people. “Oh him? He was a part-incarnation of Shiva himself. He was God’s embodiment; he had been blessed with special powers. That’s why he could achieve Self Realization”. Oh Yeah? Then what are you? Demon’s incarnation? Did demon curse you and send you here? Is God a birthday cake that he cuts himself and sends portions as special people? Tell all these childish reasons to children. We are fooling ourselves big-time with all possible nonsense and weakness, misusing our brain for all kinds of excuses, and being sharp for all wrong reasons.

And over that we say ‘We are not that sharp, Jnana yoga is all difficult stuff’! We say that Jnana Yoga is only for intelligent people with sharp brain. But just look at the above example of the hotel. Everyone is so unimaginably witty, but for all wrong reasons, for hiding the truth to ourselves. Even an illiterate can be seen putting such sharp reasoning when it comes to protecting his ego. Isn’t intellect sharp in everybody? Wow, it is much sharper than you can even imagine. “I threw the wrapper on the road because there is no dustbin anywhere. No proper administration by the city corporation”, “I didn’t keep the footwear inside the rack because it will be difficult to find when I come back. So I just kept it wherever I wanted”, “I didn’t want to marry, I got married because otherwise my mother will be alone.”. Wah Wah! Who are we fooling? Us or the world?

And why do we do that? There has to be a reason. The reason is that, we believe, very strongly, that we gain something by hiding the truth and cheating. We think that we will lose something if we are straightforward with ourselves. We are no more "integrated" within ourselves, but shattered into many pieces that are always in conflict with each other. All because we think we will lose something if we have Integrity. And that something, which we believe we lose with integrity, is money, dignity, fame and the like. So, just see what have effectively done – we have suppressed our true Self for the sake of gaining something external. And why do we need those external things? To please ourselves. So, I lose my true self to please myself! Will that ever happen? Never!

Just look at all Self-Realized people. Weren’t they the most unassuming, most simple, most straightforward people? Were they necessarily rich or scholarly? And look at the bliss they were in. Nothing can make them unhappy, not even cancer. Because they are absolutely true to themselves, absolutely transparent to themselves – Self-realized. And they said that it is a bliss like no other, knowing Self is the end of all misery. Listen to the Self and follow what it says and then see the energy booming. Inner Integrity is a strength like no other. Positivity will reach the skies in no time.

And is it difficult? If, not throwing a wrapper on the road and keeping it in your pocket is difficult, if not lying to yourself that ‘I threw because there is no dustbin’ is difficult, if listening to and obeying your own true Self’s inner voice ‘Keep the wrapper in your pocket’ is difficult, then Self-Realization is also difficult. If all those are easy, then it automatically means that you are in tune with yourself, and hence Self-Realization has to be easy.

So, finally everything is only for the Self. Everything is only for Self-Realization. ‘Good’ means that which takes you closer to Self-Realization, and ‘Bad’ is that makes you block your own Self from you. All moral and ethical values are only to take us closer to our own Self-realization, not for the sake of some society or world. All that is secondary. The good to the world happens only as a byproduct. Our foremost concern therefore must be knowing our own Self. All the rest will follow on its own. Without knowing my own Self, without coming out of my own misery, how can I ‘help’ the world? It is only a joke! Struggle for Self-Realization is the biggest help we can do to the world around us. Because everything else will follow on its own. Do not run after ants. You become sugar and all ants will come to you!

By lying to ourselves, we create knots after knots, blocks after blocks between our true Self and the reflected Ego. We ourselves move far away from our true self and finally cry “Self-Realization is difficult”. If we undo these knots one by one, in all our daily activities if we are absolutely transparent to ourselves, no matter what we lose – money, dignity – then the final knot will automatically surface “What Am I?”. This final knot is named Hrit-Granthi – the knot of the heart (Self). Now we do not even get that question, although we have not answered it, because there are several knots in queue to be untied on top of this fundamental knot. Once there is Integrity and we start listening to the inner voice (like the Restless Robot), all these superficial knots will get untied in no time. And the final knot will one day suddenly arise ‘What Am I?’, only to get untied soon.

I already know that it is a mistake to throw garbage on the road, I only have to accept that I know that it is a mistake, instead of giving cunning reasons. I only have to remove the wrong notion that I am right in throwing garbage on the road.

Similarly (perhaps, now you may appreciate) – Self is already realized. You only have to know that you are Self-Realized. You have to only remove the notion that you are not Self-realized. ;)

(This statement is made by Ramana Maharshi)