34. Part 1 - The Self-Dementia

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And we are back to business...

Whatever path is followed, eventually it has to culminate in Self-enquiry. That is certain. And this is told because of some simple common sense. The name given by the seers to the goal is Self-Realization, Atma-Sakshatkara. And our own Self, which we say we do not feel now (Weird! Who is saying it then?), should be findable only with a search, an enquiry. How can meditating on an object possibly let us see our Self? My mind may even merge with that object and attain Samadhi, but what is the use? Still I have not found out what I am. I am still separate from that object. There is still the question – what makes me perceive that object? What is the meaning of Awareness? What Am I?

Similarly, how can repeating a mantra possibly let us see our Self? How can regulating breathing possibly let us see our Self? They are all practices meant to calm the mind down, no doubt, but they have to be let go off eventually. They cannot show the end. The vehicle cannot go inside the building. Finally we have to walk and search. And at that stage nothing is required for it, no tool, except our own search, an enquiry. The Sun, does not require torchlight to search and realize himself!

Ah, why is this stupid Self-enquiry so difficult? Why don’t I feel anything special in the question ‘What Am I?’?

The sun is helplessly projecting out light rays. He is luminous, helplessly. He is brilliant, helplessly. And because of light, he gives meaning to ‘seeing’, helplessly. Light rays reflect back from some objects around him. And then he sees those objects around him, helplessly. He sees them continuously, for millions of years. He then thinks that the planets’ existence is his existence. “If all planets vanish, I will vanish” the Sun thinks “If all planets vanish, I am dead”. He effectively makes the solar system his body. The mighty sun, millions of time bigger than the puny planets, now thinks that his existence is that of few planets around him. The self-luminous majestic Sun, now thinks that his existence will cease to be if there is no planet to be seen around him. He is now afraid of that blankness. Because he strongly believes that the planets are the origin of light and seeing is possible only because of the planets. He wants some planet or the other to be around him. He wants something to hold onto and make that his existence (body). He is uncomfortable of the idea that he can be without a solar system. He thinks that is his annihilation. He is now afraid to be all by himself, because he doesn’t even think that it is possible. According to the Sun, ‘No planets’ = ‘No light’ = ‘No seeing’ = ‘Horrible Blankness and Darkness’ = ‘The End’ = ‘My death’. The focus, thus, upturns. The subject of seeing (Sun) thinks that objects of seeing are a must for seeing and its existence. He now believes that seeing is possible because of the planets, not because of himself. So, at any cost, he is ready to protect the planets. He cries if some planet is lost, and jumps in joy when a new planet is formed. The roaring lion, thus, becomes a meowing cat.

Now, I leave the job of convincing the truth to this stupid Sun to you. You try to decide what to tell this funny Sun, on how to realize his true identity. You tell him that he can very well exist without the planets; Seeing is because of him, not because of the objects seen; Light is from him, not the planets; He is self-luminous, he is so big and majestic, ever brilliant, giving light to everything.

The Sun, probably now bored of seeing the planets (I mean, bored of life, bored of ups and downs), carefully listens to you, and says “So wonderful! Sun-realization! Ah, so powerful I will become. Hmm.. Please guide me. How can achieve that state?”

You – “Arre idiot, what do you want to achieve? You are already that. You ARE the Sun. So, Sun-realization is nothing new for you. But you are ignoring that and acting funny. You just be. That is all.”

Sun – “Oh Ok” (what is this guy speaking? I am the Sun? I should just be? Am I not 'being' now? Must be a crackpot…)

This is the closet analogy we can think of for Self-Realization. It will not explain everything, of course nothing can, but will only make us think. If we apply the same argument for Self-Realization, the discussions will be slightly different, some of which we have already seen in some of the earlier posts.

I exist, helplessly. And more importantly, I am aware, helplessly. Because of the awareness, I give meaning to all sense perceptions, helplessly. I perceive objects with my awareness, helplessly. Slowly, objects start winning all my attention, including a body to be called my own. I do not see anything special in my own Awareness. I start taking ‘Awareness’ for granted. “What is so special about it?” I think, but ironically all the time using only that to know the entire world around me. The objects perceived because of the awareness start becoming near and dear, but not the source of awareness. Body and other objects start defining me. Without them I am pathetic. Without them, I think, I do not exist. How can I exist without an object (body) to be aware of? How can I exist as pure awareness without any object of perception? Impossible! I decide that my awareness is because of the functioning of the body (Sun – seeing is because of the planets reflection, not my light), not other way round! And if that object ceases to function, then I am dead.. Boo hoo… I die… because there won’t be anything to be aware of, and hence there cannot be awareness. And if there is no awareness, that means I die. (Sun – if all planets vanish, then it will be total darkness and nothing to see. No seeing = I die). I shall protect this body with utmost care. It is everything. I shall love it the most. It is my existence, the cause for my awareness, without which I become extinct.

Same as earlier, please convince me otherwise. I leave the job to you. I will only give a basic argument below, from Ramana Maharshi.

Was I extinct as I am arguing when I lost awareness of this body in dream sleep and deep sleep? Wasn’t I happily living with another body in dream? I am jumping from one object of awareness to another, but all the time the same me is aware. Source is the same, only the solar system changed. And in deep sleep? Didn’t I still exist without anything to hold on to? Was I miserable as I thought? No! I was so blissful! Sleep is so wonderful! That means, me, as the source of awareness, is a wonderful state, I love it!

Perhaps, the picture will now make me think in the right direction. “I Am This”, “I Am That” is all wrong. “This, That” are all objects made evident only because of my awareness. “I Am I Am” is the only meaningful sentence. Yes, “I Am I Am” – I am the subject, and I am the object. I am aware of my own existence. Existence, not of any object/body/thought, but simple existence that is aware of itself. I am aware of my Self. Existence-Awareness is one whole – Sat-Chit and the result is pure bliss – Ananda. Because I am complete, perfect, content. I do not need anything for me to be. I AM, always.

I Am That I Am

- Continued