36. Part 3 - The Self-Enquiry

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The 3 paragraphs below explain the 3 aspects of the picture 'I Am that I Am' which is shown on the sidebar.

Whenever we utter a word, say ‘book’, we point at something (a book) that is supposedly apart from us. In the same way, when I say ‘hands’, or ‘legs’ I point at something. It may even be ‘my’ hands and legs, but nevertheless I am able to point at it like an object. So, a sound (say ‘book’) which otherwise does not have any meaning, is associated with an object and given a meaning. The name ‘book’ is merely a sound, meaning for ‘book’ is being given by me. This way we point at all objects around us and associate a sound with it. So, we have name-form at this level.

But what am I pointing at when I say ‘mind’? I am not pointing at anything as in the above scenario. Instead, when I say ‘mind’ I point at that which is saying ‘mind’. So, there is only a name, but no form associated. Here, the name (mind) is pointing at itself, and the name itself has virtually become the form.

Finally what is it that I am pointing at when I say ‘I Am’? Mind? Ok. Accepted that mind says ‘I Am’. But is mind pointing at itself when it says ‘I Am’? Are ‘mind’ and ‘I’ the same? But ‘I’ is only a sound and belongs to a language. So, if I do not make that sound in my mind, do I cease to exist? Don’t I still feel my existence as always? Mind becomes non-existent when there are no thoughts (as in deep sleep), but do I become non-existent?

If we argue that ‘I Am’ is only a thought, then it means that I cease to exist everyday when I go to sleep. But then how is there continuity between before and after sleep? Who is it that remembers and feels good about sleep? Who was observing the thoughtless state?

Suppose I do not know any language. That means I cannot say ‘I Am’ in the mind in any language. But isn’t the meaning of ‘I Am’ still available? Am I not aware of my self even then? That feeling is termed as ‘I-I’ by Ramana Maharshi. This is the first hand experience of everyone, independent of languages, independent of sense perceptions. It is the only absolute experience. All other relative sensual experiences are based on this absolute awareness of ‘I-I’.

What is so great about it? I feel ‘I-I’ even now. Yes and No. We are aware of the existence, but there is a twist – existence as something. Sun says ‘I Am [the solar system]’. I say ‘I Am [the body]’. The term in the bracket is somehow there, even without being said. Only awareness can say ‘I Am’ and only awareness can say ‘This and That’. But the problem is that awareness mixes both and says ‘I Am this’. And the aim is to become just ‘I Am’ from ‘I Am this’ or ‘I Am that’. And that is Self-realization. Easy, isn’t it?

That is why it is said: Self is already realized, Self-Realization is getting rid of the notion that I am not Self-Realized. There are no two selfs – one that exists, and another that becomes aware of it. It is one. I am helplessly aware, I cannot do anything about it. Then what is the problem? Problem is that instead of being what I am, I am constantly holding onto ‘this’ or ‘that’ which change. As soon as I slip into sleep, I create and catch hold of another body in the dream. As soon as I die, I create and catch hold of a subtle body (similar to dream) and continue to live with it. A strong dementia that says ‘I Am something’. Awareness can neither be born nor can it die, but objects under the light of awareness keep changing.

The purpose of self-enquiry is to turn the blazing light of sun on himself, instead of focusing the light on some planet. Aim is to completely remove ‘this’/‘that’ and be just ‘I Am’.

To do that, first of all there cannot be thousands of planets revolving around the Sun chaotically. Because then the Sun helplessly starts looking at them and goes back to the same dementia ‘I Am solar system’. So, first of all the solar system should become peaceful with as less planets as possible. All the breathing/meditation techniques are meant only to do this – to reduce the thoughts to the minimum and keep the mind peaceful while awake. Without first calming down the mind, perhaps self-enquiry is a far-fetched idea. Because awareness will be continuously focusing on some thought and each thought will have the notion ‘I Am the body’ inbuilt in it. Once the mind is calm, by following regulation of Raja Yoga, then enquiry may be practiced.

Sit, lie down or be however you are, absolutely no problem. Close your eyes and then say ‘I Am’ (in any language) in the mind repeatedly like a mental Japa. Please read all the below points very carefully.

• Each time, before you say ‘I Am’, the decision to say ‘I Am’ is made first. Carefully observe - Where is this decision being taken? (Attention on Source)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, focus on the meaning of this phrase, do not say mechanically. And while doing so, carefully observe - What is this phrase ‘I Am’ pointing at? (Attention on Target)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, you can clearly see that you are watching it being said, just like how you watch others speak something. Carefully observe the observer (Attention on the process)

Do not go into a rhythm “I Am…I Am…I Am”. We are not after 1008 mahajapa of ‘I Am’!! In these cases Japa will keep happening mechanically and mind will start thinking something else. Instead do it arrhythmic “I Am……I Am………..I Am”. In fact, if the above three points are followed, it is automatically arrhythmic. Although we are saying ‘I Am’, our focus is not at all on the word ‘I Am’. We are only focusing on from where it comes, what it points at, and who is observing it. That becomes real Japa.

With this Japa, you are constantly trying to push the focus onto the source, the true You. No other japa can replace ‘I Am’ (Aham in Samskrita). Because with any other word, all three points (source, target and process) cannot be covered at once. Only in the case of ‘I Am’ japa, all the three direct at the same – Self.

Even if this Japa is done ONCE correctly, there will be a hint of uncovering. Do it whenever you feel like and wherever you are – office, bus-stop or bedroom. Do it for few minutes and several times a day. Do not worry if the mind is restless. Same as how mind is sometimes restless naturally, it is also calm sometimes naturally. So make the best use of the times when mind becomes calm on its own. Initially that may be just few minutes a day. If we suddenly feel calm in between work, or while travelling in a bus, then that is when enquiry has to happen. That is enough to begin with. But usually we do not make use of that because we think practice should be done only sitting in Padmasana in front of a photo. No, that is totally secondary. Self-Enquiry can be done anywhere, anytime, however you are sitting. The only necessity for enquiry is You, not the equipments, posture or the room. This is Self-Enquiry, not room-enquiry or asana-enquiry. So, begin with the few minutes of the day when you are calm, catch hold of this thread and as days pass by the enquiry will slowly spread itself in your routine. Practicing the regulation of Raja Yoga/Hatha Yoga (food regulation, breath regulation etc) will greatly aid the enquiry by promoting calmness of mind.

While practicing Self-Enquiry, all the discussions of the previous post may come in handy. For e.g. as soon as we begin enquiring mind says “Oh Self-Realization is possible only for few blessed people”. So, enquiry related arguments are equally important to get rid of these notions and constantly keep the focus on enquiry. Pushing the batter back to the centre-spot is equally necessary along with rotating the grinding stone. Ramana Maharshi’s teachings provide a comprehensive set of arguments for satisfying the mind’s endless weaknesses, queries, doubts and wrong notions (only some of them were presented in this blog till now). When mind is thus satisfactorily shut-up again and again, one day it stops arguing, leaving Self-Enquiry undisturbed.

“What is it that I want? Self-Realization. Who is yearning? Me. What for? My Self. How can there be two Selfs? There can’t be. So, if it is only one Self, then what is it that I am searching for? Am I already not my Self?”