8. The Age-Old Whim of Old-Age

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“What is wrong with you? Spiritual pursuit should be undertaken when you are retired and have no other thing to do. Then you can sit and contemplate or sing Bhajans or read Puranas, not now” – this is what adults in a house would say if a young boy seriously starts reading Bhagavadgita at home. Practice spirituality when there is no other thing to do? That means everything else is better than spirituality?

Similarly, if a young man, who has no problems in life whatsoever, decides to accept Sanyasa, then the society questions “Why is he taking Sanyasa? He has everything in life. Money, education etc. And for his status he will get a very nice girl as well. Then why is he leaving?”. What does this mean? Sanyasi is a lazy and ‘good for nothing’ person? Only losers become monks?

This indicates the prevalent importance of spirituality and spiritual aspirants in India, the once backbone of this great country. And the repercussions are quite apparent. How dummy has our religion become without spiritual essence? Only dry rituals out of sheer fear but no worship out of adoration. Only selfish prayers out of weakness but no dialogue out of innocent devotion. Only demands out of greed but no offerings out of love. And only apparent offerings tainted with conditional desires. Nobody to say “Oh Lord, let thy will be done, I shall accept whatever it is” but all only to say “God, do this, do that, I will give you 5000 bucks”.

And all this as the result of the notion that only old people should practice spirituality. The youngsters are busy practicing their own version of spirituality – purchasing God with money.

Is practice possible at old age? If yes, how effectively? Let alone the mystic yogic techniques, can we even practice simple mind control at old age? For e.g. I have to overcome my addiction of excessive talking. And to do that I have to continuously fight against it. I lose several times to the compulsion of the mind, but finally I start gaining control (as explained in ‘The Big Boost’). But in the process, over the months, I might have effectively had hours of junk talks with many around me. Is this kind of battle affordable in old age? I have health problems, I cannot speak clearly. Even if I speak, who wants to listen to an old man bragging? So, Battlefield (healthy body and opportunities) itself is not available. Then where is the question of battle? But the mind is going on shooting missiles at me. What can I do except forcefully suppressing my urge to talk? And there will be hundreds of suppressions like this, many of them being much worse than the innocent ‘talking’. So as a result, what can I become except for a grumpy old man? Do you think I will die peacefully with tons of desires burning within me? And we say spirituality is for old age?

Supporting this point, I noticed one fact in the Upanishads and other scriptures. Almost all of the Self-Realized characters mentioned in the scriptures are young! Prahlada, Dhruva, Markandeya, Nachiketa, Bhrugu, Shuka... list goes on. All young! Some even in childhood! Whether the scriptures are real stories or not, what message is being conveyed? And we say spirituality is for old age? So, what do we get to read in our old age? Scriptures that say that self-realization is possible most likely at young age? And we still say spirituality is for old age? Have we lost common sense?! Also, what do we see in the recent times? Jnanadeva, Namadeva, Kanakadasa, Purandaradasa, Tukaram, Chaitanya, Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, Vivekananda, Ramana Maharshi - how many examples do we need? All spiritual aspirants who either began the quest in young age or attained realization in young age.

On the other hand, what a remarkable inspiration this is for youngsters aspiring for Self-Realization! Each youngster yearning for it can boldly say to himself - "I have this strong pull within me which I cannot deny, and I am doing nothing wrong by following it. It is a thing to be proud of. It is a thing to celebrate, not to get worried or depressed.". But I can say this only if I know that my longing is genuine and not for a material purpose! You know, commercial spiritual business of modern times!

A young and healthy body is meant for rapid spiritual growth. Powerful sense organs are available not for me to become its slave, but to rule over them and feel like an unbeatable emperor. If India wins over Holland in a cricket match, nobody bothers. But how much of delight do we take for a victory over the mighty Australians? The more powerful the opponent the more delight we take in defeating them. And this adventurous victory over the mind can be felt only at young age with potent sense organs. They can provide the necessary battle field for the intense battle between me and my mind. But today, healthy and fit body itself has become the goal. As Swami Vivekananda puts it – An animal has tremendous fitness, it doesn't fall sick. Do we want to become like that? Is that our ultimate goal at young age? Become a healthy animal?

So, let me not just keep the battle field (body) neat and fit only for my enemy (compulsions of the mind) to perform rampage. Let me face it and fight! Whether Mahabharata war really took place or not, but it will certainly take place within me i.e. if I am an aspirant of Self-Realization.

As noted in several previous posts, we often do not clearly differentiate between ‘can’t do’ and ‘don’t wish to do’. Former is out of compulsion and the latter is out of freedom. And if it is freedom, I should first have the ability to do both alternatives. I should test myself or know for sure that I really have the ability to go both ways, only then can I say “I choose first alternative out of my free will”. Otherwise, in reality I may not have the ability to perform the first alternative, and I say I choose the second out of free will. I generously cheat myself.

We saw in the ‘The Strong Weakness’ that at young age, I say I enjoy sense pleasures out of free will. This is bogus free will. In reality I am miserably compelled by the mind. I cannot be otherwise, and that’s why I run after sense pleasures. I am under the compulsion of healthy body. There is no freedom of any sort. If it is real freedom then I should have the ability to do both ways – whether my favorite item is there or not, I should be happy both ways. But is it happening? Or am I pathetically obeying the orders of the senses? In the name of ruling the country (body) I loot it. Finally only to cause an imbalance and end up with some disorders.

Similarly, in my old age I say the opposite. I say I am not running after sense pleasures out of free will. Again trying to conceal ‘can’t do’ with ‘don’t wish to do’. My body has withered, diseases have crept in and I certainly cannot satiate my senses. I am again under compulsion, but now of the old body. And I say “I don’t wish any sense pleasures”! Only I will really know how much of fire is burning in my mind. Not that all sense attachments will compulsorily be alive, some may have really died. But certainly not all of them.

At young age I gave free vent in the name of free will, and at old age I have to suppress in the name of free will. I could have mastered them only when I was young, I could have tasted real freedom only in my young body, not now. Now, I can only repent and become grumpy. There is meaning only in ruling a rich and healthy country, not a dead and god forsaken land! There is nothing to rule there. I can just sit over it and shout all I want that I am the emperor, whereas in reality I am helplessly stuck in the desert!

I either loot the country when it is healthy OR call myself a just ruler of the barren land!

Innocent Child - "Grandfather, will you marry again?"
The (supposedly) wise old man - "Hmm (sigh)... Who will marry me now?"!

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7. The Non-Cooperation Movement

<< Previous - The Strong Weakness

Although I was so adamant against the mind in the argument regarding the mastery over the instincts, I had no idea how and where to begin. They seemed extremely tough, much tougher than the simple sense addictions. Although I knew that eventually the mechanism has to be ‘virtuous vortex’ I needed another boost of some kind. And it did come from several directions. These precious teachings are like the drops of nectar which I can never afford to forget.

The very first thing I did – Accept my weaknesses, no matter how nasty they are. This may seems like a simple thing, but you will soon know that it is not easy to accept our dirty stuff even to ourselves. We quite often lie to ourselves and portray ourselves as perfect gentlemen/women even to ourselves. ‘Atmasakshi’ is very often hushed. But don’t we know our real colors? One day or the other, we are bound to get weary of this self-pretence business.

But why is this acceptance so vital? I say I am an aspirant of Self-Realization, Atma Sakshatkara. So, what am I going to realize eventually? – I say ‘Self’. Then is it not necessarily required to be completely honest and open to my ‘self’? Is it not necessary to analyze every small bit of me, no matter how ugly it is? Good or bad, I should know every bit about the habits, qualities that have accumulated around me. If I do not even accept their presence, how will I know if they are needed or not? How can I ensure that these hidden viruses have not taken control of my activities? How can I know for sure that I am totally in command of all the facets of my being? That’s why acceptance is crucial. Acceptance to myself alone is adequate, no need of any publicity! This is not some acrobatic Asana performance ;-)

Ok, I accepted, what next? Till now I was happy pretending that I am a very decent person and concealed all my dirt even to myself. So, obviously I never bothered about the filth inside of me. But now that I began accepting, I saw how much of dirt is constipated inside. Then there was a tendency within me to feel depressed “Oh God, I am such a horrible person. How can I get over these powerful instincts in me?”. This guilt was very hard to fight.

Then one day, I heard this very uplifting statement in the movie ‘Peaceful Warrior’ – “YOU are NOT your mind. You think you are, but you are not”. Then why should I feel either elated or depressed? Let it think whatever it wants. I will just watch but not get involved. Swami Vivekananda, in his Raja Yoga book, brings our attention to this. When we try to sit quiet, mind will try throwing up all possible things at us. First it will try routine thoughts – our current affairs in office, house etc. A thought sustains only if you take up a role in it and participate – be it good or bad. So, I just watch but do not participate actively in the thought. And the thought will slowly die. If we do not get moved by less intense thoughts, mind will go on raising the bar till you get dragged into it. It will jump higher and higher – e.g. scene from your most favorite movie, your most cherished date with boyfriend, your biggest dream of getting an award etc. But suppose I do not take the bait from these thoughts as well, I show least interest. Then the mind takes resort in its deeper layers. Instincts begin to shoot up. It starts bringing up the most weird things (which even Hollywood directors cannot think of). They may even be disgusting and terrifying. As Swami Vivekananda says, we may even get surprised as to how we could think so bad. At this stage, we invariably feel guilty, disturbed. If we feel ‘guilty’ that means we begin to participate in that thought.

A thought gets powered either if you love it OR hate it – either way the thought gets nourishment. Repulsion to a thought will never make it go away. What mind notes is only the intensity associated with a thought. Like or dislike – both will be given the same rating in your database. A super hit movie or a highly controversial movie (no matter how garbage), both will get huge publicity and attention. A super hit movie (good thoughts) gets fed by viewers (your involvement in the thought), and a controversial movie (rubbish thoughts) gets fed by publicity of criticisms (your guilt and depression). Negative rating will never eliminate a thought. So, with guilt, we effectively supply power to this line of thoughts and thereafter we are lost in the chain of thoughts. My meditation becomes a chaotic marketplace.

So, the obvious solution is ultimate Non-Cooperation to the mind. I will not fight you, nor will I support you, no matter what you show me and how disgusting you become.

A movie will silently come and vanish only if it is a flop. And flop means neither viewers nor criticizers for it. But you see, media loves controversy. If they see anything weird, it will be immediately taken up and printed on first page. And even public loves to hear about this. This is a very stubborn habit of the society. Similarly, getting over the negativity of mind is a very hard task, especially with the kind of controversial thoughts we start getting due to instincts. Perhaps it is this very deep rooted habit of each individual that collectively shows up as the habit of the society. Will media publicize such news if they see very low viewer ratings for negative news? And subsequently will any director dare to make a controversial movie if he knows that no media channel will ever give any sort of publicity? Who is responsible for this stupidity then, the movie maker or the media or the public?

Then I thought changing the habits of the society is not my concern for the moment, so let me look at changing my inner habits. It was difficult but not impossible. Non-cooperation movement had to be fought for a long time. After a while I discovered the key to non-cooperation – we should deny to label any thought as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Only this branding makes the thoughts survive. Till now I called instincts as ‘bad’ and they thrived on my guilt. So now, I simply let them alone – neither fight nor support, neither Raga nor Dvesha. Whether the thoughts are good or bad is not my concern. Thoughts are just passing clouds. If thoughts are good, that doesn't mean I am good. If thoughts are ugly, that doesn't mean I am bad. "I am NOT my mind". I am something more than that. It wasn't as easy anyway. Mind didn't give up so easily, the inbuilt evil tree was quite deep. But for how long can you keep your show running, Oh mind? I am your only viewer and I deny to watch your shows no matter how good they are. And if your shows are rubbish, I deny to read criticisms, I deny to listen to controversies. You are dependent on me for your survival, but I do not need you for my existence. You are powered by me, I am not powered by you. I deny cooperation. You have to show me only what I tell you to show. You cannot forcefully make me see what you wish. My freedom is inevitable.

And to add to this, a further reinforcement came from Ramana Maharshi - Let all kinds of thoughts come up. If they do not surface, how can they get eliminated? They generously emerge only to get destroyed one day.

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5. The Story of Mastery

<< Previous - The Big Boost

Before I took the big boost, I had a small hitch with the concept of mastery and slavery, which I would not like to forget. Because without resolving that I would not have gone forward.

I could not accept when spiritual texts said “We have become slaves of sense pleasures”. I didn’t find anything logical with this. After all, I am earning and I am spending. I eat, drink, enjoy because I like to do that and I have enough money to do that. I do that out of free will. I am completely free. Who says I am bound by the senses? I am active the whole day, either in working to earn money, or in purchasing sense pleasures with that money. And I would say, I am active out of my freewill. What is the use of sitting idle? I don’t want to be lazy. I am active completely out of my free choice. Looks sensible? Yes, it did seem perfectly right to me. But, not for long.

Suppose a programmer has created a software application which has several modules. He likes some of the modules more as they have challenging design. So, he creates very detailed documentation regarding the functioning of these complicated modules and neglects the details of the simple modules. Also, when the time for testing comes, he thoroughly tests the complicated modules that he likes more. In other simpler modules he leaves some of the functionality untested. And this is the explanation the programmer gives: “I am not testing some parts of the application out of my free will. It is a waste of time to test them. They are so simple and straightforward and don't even require documentation. I know that those simple modules will run just fine whenever the requirement comes.” Well, I would slightly bother about the future of this young programmer. Because when the time comes, the untested modules, although simple, will fail with plenty of bugs. And by that time the programmer would vaguely remember about this old project of his. And to make things worse, there is no documentation available with him about these modules because he simply didn't write any. Now, something that was ignored because of its simplicity, becomes a very hard nut to crack.

We always function with the ‘activity’ module and ‘inactivity’ module is totally ignored. And we say that we are active out of free will, we enjoy sense pleasures out of free choice etc. But is it true? Have we tested ourselves fully? Or have we done something similar to the programmer above? We say we do not sit quietly because we ‘don’t want to sit quietly’. But the hard truth is that we ‘can’t sit quietly’. There is a world of a difference between the two. Even as we go to bed, when we are supposed to be calm and quiet, mind is going around the world - office, restaurant, theatre and everywhere else. Even after retirement, when we can peacefully relax or contemplate, we cannot sit quiet for a day. Let us face it. We are addicted. We are active out of obligation, not choice. The untamed mind-horse is jumping without control, and we, sitting on it, are yelling "Situation is under control". We want to portray as if we are controlling the horse and are willingly making the horse jump up and down. But the fact is that it is the horse that is tossing us. We always focus only on the 'activity' module, and so, when the genuine requirement comes, the ‘inactivity’ modules fail miserably, because it was untested and taken for granted. We only focused on switching on, but never learnt to switch off, because we always thought that is very easy and can be done whenever we need it. Again, something that was ignored because of its simplicity, becomes a very hard nut to crack. Finally others have to teach us how to calm down and relax. This precisely why "Stress Management" and "Relaxation Techniques" are in great demand today! The two most basic instincts of a living being - sleep and food - are being taught in classes! What a pathetic situation we are in! Even animals do not need diet or relaxation classes!

Similarly there may be some of us who are addicted to the other extreme - laziness. And we will have all the arguments as above – but with ‘activity’ and ‘inactivity’ interchanged. Justifying laziness in the name of free will! Extremes seem to be always bad, and the middle path is always good. I can’t help but getting surprised again and again at this simple message of Buddha. We always look at only two aspects – activity or inactivity – and we brand the former as ‘good’ and latter as ‘bad’. Well, if anything is illogical, it is this notion. Bad, in the real sense is extreme inclination due to obligation to either of them. And good, in the real sense is moderation of both of them due to mastery over them – a nice balance. Obligated inactivity is Tamas, Obligated activity is Rajas. Currently world believes in only these two and the latter is termed as the only ‘good’ thing on earth. Active? Oh, Ambitious person. Inactive? Ah, Lazy chap. And in the process, the precious freedom which is lost is not noticed. Scriptures clearly indicated a third possibility – Sattva – moderation. And to be able to moderate, you have to have command over the senses. This alone, in the real sense, is freedom and mastery. Not helplessly running behind sense objects.

Meditation is not laziness, it is intense activity. What is easier? Getting tossed up and down on the powerful and untamed horse, or keeping this powerful horse tamed and under your command? Meditation is inactivity out of choice, not out of obligation as in Tamas (laziness). If we learn to be inactive out of choice, if we learn to calm our mind at our will, then we will soon see that automatically our activities also take place out of our free choice. Obligation is shackles and Freedom is power, a power like no other. The obligations are never external, but only internal. An emperor of the world may have everyone at his feet and no obligation to anybody, but may be miserably being commanded by his own mind. External obligation looks like an obligation only because of the eventual internal obligation. “My mind is obeying me and performing activities as I order” is an incomparable feeling. We will immediately feel a tremendous current of energy flowing in us. This sense of freedom and power makes the work highly efficient. A Rajasik person cannot compete with a Sattvik person. Because a Rajasik person is active with the shackles of addiction to work. Rajasik person cannot relax even after the activity, let alone amidst activity. He is restless all the time. He is bound to get fatigued soon. Whereas Sattvik person is active out of free will. He can forget work and stay calm and quiet the next moment if required. Why next moment, he will begin to see that even as he performs work, he is relaxed, a sense of calmness is pervading him from the inside. In Sattva, you are your own master. Mind is only a tool. You are not bound by it.

So, I understood that addiction to work will not make me efficient – this is a mistaken notion. In fact, it will only deteriorate me over time. Only detached and free action can be efficient. The greatest message of the Bhagavadgita. The very first step towards this goal is to throw away the mask "What is the use of sitting idle? Let me be of some use to others" and accept that I am working for my sake alone. It is to stop pretending that I am the savior of some people or I am the manager of the world. It is to acknowledge the fact that I am working only because I apparently feel happy doing it. Helping others, serving others is just happening as a side effect. Action is not bad by itself, being active after retirement is not bad by itself. What is bad is the mask we wear saying we work for others' sake, and hiding our slavery and addiction to action. Once this mask is forsaken, then we do not have to do Karma Yoga. Whatever we do with this knowledge within, that all we do is only for the self, is automatically Karma Yoga. You will no more count how many got benefited by your action, or wait for an appreciation by others. Because you know very well that you are working for your own sake, and there is nothing great in it. As a consequence this will eventually reduce our addiction to activity, bring about mastery over both activity and inactivity, and elevate us towards Sattva.

Next - The Strong Weakness