45. Losing My Mind...

<< Previous - I Am Irony Incarnate

I was on Vinnetar. It was a number of asteroids floating together as a group and each asteroid was considered to be a different country or a continent of that planet. I belonged to a country named Glowk which was quite a tiny asteroid. I was a young man and I clearly remembered going to school in that planet. They had taught how Vinnetar was formed some millions of years ago (they used different units of time), the great legacy of the planet, how evolution happened on Vinnetar etc. I don't quite remember the exact physics of that universe, but in that universe some of the celestial bodies displayed gravitational attraction and some others had gravitational repulsion. I had parents, a home to be called as mine and a job. Everyone called me 'Snybir Aupt', that was my name. Whenever someone asked me "Who are you?" I said "I am Snybir, son of so and so, I live in so and so place".

And then all of a sudden I was on a planet called Earth. My name was different, my face was different, my parents were different and my language was different. I clearly remembered going to school on Earth and learning about how Earth was formed, the history of Earth, the laws of the Universe etc. Now when someone asked me "Who are you?", my answers were totally different. I was now 'Vasudeva Rao' with a different address. Although I still hazily remembered being on Vinnetar, I believed that it was just a dream. I said to myself that all that on Vinnetar was just imaginary - my name, parents, going to school on that planet and everything else. Now, being on Earth, the language I spoke on Vinnetar looked weird, the laws of physics of that universe looked amusing. Gravitational repulsion of that universe looked so irrational! I smiled to myself for dreaming so eccentrically and "It was just a dream that ran for few minutes" I said, and ignored everything about it.

I was on Vinnetar again. I vaguely remembered Earth and my identity in it. But now, I said to myself that Earth was a dream. The language and living habits on Earth looked very funny. A universe running on Gravitational attraction alone (without repulsive gravity) looked illogical. I just pushed all of it aside saying that it was just a vague dream that ran for few moments. I said to myself that all that on Earth was just imaginary - my name, parents, going to school on that planet and everything else. But then something amusing happened.

A man I came across at my workplace greeted me "How are you Vasudeva Rao?"

Although I distantly remembered that name I did not fully relate to it. I said "Vasudeva? I am Snybir, Snybir Aupt".

But his smile made it quite obvious that he was sure of what he was speaking. Now he said "Oh really? I met you on Earth and you said you were Vasudeva Rao."

Earth? When he said this, the dream I had about Earth occurred to me. How on Vinnetar does he know about my dreams? And that too my dream name as well! Even I had forgotten about it. I thought he was some mystic mind reader belonging to some cult and simply smiled at him, a smile that was tainted by the fear of the unknown. With that smile I replied to him "No Sir, my name is Snybir Aupt, I can guarantee".

But he did not seem to quit so easily. He asked about my Earth parents, my Earth school, my Earth job and everything else I knew from Earth. I freaked out and asked him if he had special powers to read minds. But he pushed aside all such comments and talked casually as if Earth was a neighboring country. I too pushed aside all his questions and denied everything saying that it was all imaginary and was just a dream. But I was all the time wondering how he could know all about my dreams.

I was on Earth again. Now I broke into laughter for fearing that mystic mind reader in my dreams. Obviously he was my own creation in my dream and so it was only me who made him ask those questions. He was just a projection in my dream. There was nothing mysterious in what he asked. It was just all my own dream. I heaved a sigh of relief and carried on with my Earth life.

But what followed after this, shook me up forever.

A man meets me at the market on a Sunday and greets me "Hello Snybir Aupt, how are you?"

I stand dumbstruck, unable to answer anything. This has gone way too beyond common sense. And he asks me again "Snybir, don't you remember me? I met you on Vinnetar".

I somehow recover and say "I am... Vasudeva"

He laughs heartily and says "What is this? You guaranteed to me that your name was Snybir!"

Me - "What you are speaking of is my dreams. How on earth do you know about my dreams? I am freaking out. Do you have supernatural powers?"

Man - "Wherever I meet you, whether Vinnetar or Earth, you seem to freak out. Am I that scary? As a matter of fact, I am freaking out. You give totally different answer each time and you swear on both of them! You asked the same questions on Vinnetar as well - how I knew your dreams and if I was supernatural. And there you said that your Earth life was a dream. Which one is true? That or this?"

"This is true. Don't you see? You are on Earth. This is real"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar. You said 'Don't you see, you are on Vinnetar, this is real'"

"Come on, look around you. These people are real, these streets, trees are all real. Don't you see them and feel them?"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar"

"What man! I have been here for years. I can take you to my parents who know me since my birth."

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar"

"What same thing, same thing? Come on, touch my hand. Don't you feel me? I am real!"

"You told exactly the same on Vinnetar. I touched your hand there also."

"Vinettar was just a dream you idiot"

"You told exactly the same on Vinettar. 'Earth was just a dream you moron'"

"Shut up, this is enough"

" You told exactly the same on Vinettar!"

I was afraid, angry and tired with this discussion. I sat down on a stone bench to take a few deep breaths. The man had not left yet. I calmed myself down and said:

"Look. Forget about that stupid Vinettar. I am now on Earth and my name is Vasudeva. Do you think I am lying? Please tell something apart from 'You told exactly the same on Vinettar'"

"No you are not lying. But you are not telling the truth either"

"How can that be? You are not making sense."

"Here on Earth, you must have learnt a little bit of Samskrita, haven't you?"

"Yes, I know some basic things"

"There are two words for truth in Samskrita - Rita and Satya. Why do you think there are two words?"

"I don't know. I think both mean the same."

"No, they don't. Rita means a limited truth of one dream and is valid within that dream alone. Satya is the universal truth which is valid across all dreams."

"Explain"

"Now you say so many things about your Earth life. None of them is a lie, but they are not Satya either. They are only Rita. What you are saying is valid only within this realm. Similarly, you speak about your Vinettar life while within that dream. Again you speak only Rita, not Satya."

"Then what is Satya?"

" You talked to me on both Vinettar and Earth and you gave answers to my questions. Questions were the same both the times. But all your answers varied. You showed a different body as yours, different parents, different house. But something is common across both the dreams. Can you tell what it is?"

"I have gone blank, I do not know if I am dreaming or awake. You tell."

"You! You are common for both the dreams. You are Satya. Your existence is the universal truth."

I recovered a little and questioned back "What about you? You are also common across both my dreams. So, are you also some universal truth? Why are you here and what do you want?"

"I was hoping you can tell that"

"How do I know what you are and what you want?"

"Now on Earth, you say that Vinettar was just your own mental projection. So you accept that I, on Vinettar, was just a mental projection. And when you are on Vinettar, you will say that Earth was your mental projection. And you will accept that I, on Earth, is just a mental projection. So, it seems like you have a common answer in both the places - I am your mental projection. It must be the Satya."

"What the hell man? This is all real. This Earth, people in it and everything else. Are you saying that I am projecting all this from my mind (showing my brain)? You are nuts"

"You told exactly the same on Vinettar, about Vinettar. You freaked out when I said that you are projecting Vinettar and everything in it. But wasn't that the truth? Now you happily accept that Vinettar was your own creation. Similarly, there you happily accept that Earth was your mental projection. Then what is the problem in accepting the same thing now? And by the way, now you are showing this brain here, but there you showed me some other brain in another body. How many brains do you have? hahahaha"

"Wait a minute. I looked completely different in both the places. Then how is it that your are able to recognize me?"

"Am I recognizing you, or are you making me recognize you? I am just your mental projection, remember? Do people in your dreams have their own will and wishes? Or is it that they are as how you want them to be?"

"How can this be? You are talking nonsense. Vinettar was all inside this brain. But this Earth, how can it be my projection?"

"So, Earth is all inside that brain on Vinettar? hahaha. You said so yourself on Vinettar!"

"Oh My God, I am going crazy"

"You are showing a brain and thinking that the brain is you. That is absolutely wrong. Earth is not inside Vinnetar brain, nor is Vinnetar inside Earth brain. The fact is that both are in you and from you. They are just two dreams of you. You are not the brain and body of the dreams. You are not the names and forms of your dreams. You are just you. Dreams do not affect you at all, but while in the dream you begin to feel that the dream world and dream identity is everything. So, you start feeling miserable and want to protect your dream identity at any cost."

I was in state of utter confusion. "I am losing my mind" I said.

"Perfect. You will have to first lose that to know what you really are. Mind is your obstacle."

Unable to understand what he spoke towards the end, I had just become still like a stone. "I cannot... what you are speaking... " I mumbled.

"You will.. one day find out who you really are. That is inevitable."

44. I Am Irony Incarnate

<< Previous - I Die And My Soul Leaves My Body

In the name of Spirituality, for years, I light lamp in front of a colorful photo of 'God' so sincerely everyday; I decorate the photo with flowers and perform worship so promptly; I perform homas and fill my house with smoke several times a year without fail; I visit temples and get coconuts and bananas so regularly.

In the name of Yoga, for years, I twist and bend my body relentlessly; I try to regulate my breathing by holding nostrils and producing sounds like 'Om'; I sit and stare at the tip of my nose until my eyes start paining; I close my eyes and sit still for half an hour everyday.

In spite of doing all this for years... I get upset when a dish which I like is not available, I get irritated if there is a little less salt in the food, I am unhappy if my name was not called first for appreciation. But still, I do not give up the above practices of 'Spirituality' and 'Yoga'. I continue, on and on, for years, till death. Practices go on, and anger/jealousy etc also go on. What a Karma Yogi I am! I am least bothered if my practices have brought any change in me! Strictly following Krishna's message of "Karmanyevaadhikaaraste", I practice for the sake of practice and I am least bothered about the results! I perform all those activities without expecting any change in me! Wah! This is the pinnacle of Karma Yoga. This aspect of Karma Yoga, even Krishna did not think of!

If I look at it this way, all saints and seers are so selfish! They wanted results from their spiritual practices, they expected to see changes in the behavior of their mind. They were so much Karmaphala oriented. But look at me, I am so detached from the results of my practice! Even if my habits do not change even to the slightest degree, I am least bothered, I do not stop my practices. This is perseverance personified! I am Karma Yoga embodied!

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I read and read. I listen and listen. My brain has become a warehouse of spiritual texts. Vedas, Puranas, Mahabharata, Ramayana... you name it and I know it. I know the morals and messages of all these texts. I know what is true Jnana, true Bhakti, real Yoga. I give discourses to people about spirituality. I guide them towards the right meaning of the texts. Everyone reveres me. I am a 'spiritual' personality for the society.

In spite of all these... I chant Hanuman Chalisa everyday mostly with a desire that it will give me success in return. I offer 100 Rupees not as service but with the hope that I will get 1000 in return. Learning and preaching goes on. My greed-filled devotion and fear-filled rituals also go on. I am least bothered if I am myself following the messages of the scriptures. My primary concern is that others should follow them. What a Tyaagi I am! Whole day I preach the right path to others and I want them to grow higher in spiritual path. Whole day I comment on and correct others. But I do not want to practice anything, I do not care for my own spiritual growth. Can there be a higher Tyaagi than me? Really wonderful.

If I look at it this way, all saints and seers were so much self-centered! They practiced everything themselves whether or not others practiced. For them their practice was primary and others' practice was optional. But for me others' practice is primary, and my practice is totally irrelevant. I am Tyaga manifested as flesh and blood!

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I say "I live life as per my wish, I do not care for what others say about me". I say "I don't like him, I do not care for what he says". But I always care for others' opinion about me, and in particular, I care the most about my enemy's opinion. I earn more money so that others, and in particular he, can think high of me. I want to own a house so that I can get recognized by others and him. In my social interactions, I very carefully maintain my dignity so that I become respectful in the eyes of others and particularly that person whom I do not like. I undergo so much of stress for others' and his sake that I even end up with Hypertension and Cholesterol problems. Eventually I also undergo a heart surgery. Even here, I make sure that the surgery is carried out in the most expensive hospital, so that my status in others' and his eyes is not damaged. Can there be a higher form of love than this? All my activities performed with the hope that I can impress all others and particularly my enemy! I even tear open my heart (for surgery of course) for the sake of my enemies and others. I walk, talk, dress and do everything else in such a dignified manner primarily with the intention of maintaining my worth in others' mind. I almost live my entire life as how others around me want me to live. I am so honestly following "Love your enemies". What a great kind heart I am! This aspect of love, perhaps even Jesus the Christ did not think of!

If I look at it this way, all saints and seers were so unloving! They hardly cared for people who did not like them. They were fully negligent about others' opinion about them. They least bothered if someone commented on them. They lived fully as they liked, and not at all as how others wanted them to live. Their entire focus was to have a peaceful life for themselves. How selfish! But look at me, how kind I am! I live fully as how others want me to live. I give up my wishes of a peaceful life and I undergo so much stress for the sake of satisfying others. I am love come alive!

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No Wait, on second thoughts... I Am Irony Incarnate
Hmm... On Second second thoughts... I Am Idiocy Incarnate

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This post is inspired by the following incident recorded in "Autobiography of a Yogi".

A disciple says to Nagendra Natha Baduri “Guruji, you are extraordinary. You have renounced wealth and pleasures of the world for seeing God” for which Baduri Mahashaya says “You have upturned the fact! I gave up only the infinitesimal (money and pleasures) to gain infinite bliss. Is that renunciation? In fact, the renunciation by the worldly materialists is true renunciation, they are real Tyagis. Just for a handful of material toys, they give up the eternal and infinite spiritual wealth!”

43. I Die and My Soul Leaves My Body!

<< Previous - Where Am I?

This statement should perhaps get a Nobel prize for dumbness. It can be heard in many supposed-to-be-spiritual discussions. I die, I am ended. But somehow 'mine' still remains! It is still my soul that leaves the body!

This statement demonstrates to what extent "taking for granted" can go. It is such a common statement made by all of us so many times in our lives, but never trying to understand what is it that we are uttering, never trying to stop and look if we are making any sense or not.

So, there are three entities - I, soul and the body. So, my soul is also not me, it is only mine. I die, but the soul is supposed to survive my death! Ah! Then what is it that died? Body? No, it is still there, lying like a piece of wood. Oh, I get it. How about, 'I Am'  = Body + Soul? Ok. Then that means 'I Am' awareness must come only after the soul and body come together. That means soul is also a dumb thing like the body. Soul doesn't know that it is. It does not have 'I Am' awareness. It is just a dumb piece of light, like how they show in the movies. Does that look satisfactory from any angle? No, no, the soul must have awareness, otherwise how can it be soul? It has to be the source of awareness.

So, are there two 'I's? My 'I' and my soul's 'I'? Am I two? No, I am only one. There are no two 'I Am's. Awareness is not a cake to have pieces. Then, it is not my soul. It is me. Then 'I die' is not at all valid. I continue to be.

Now, the word 'soul' has not explained anything. It is just a name. Another word for 'me'. Same is the case with the word 'Self'. It is just another word for 'me'. You will see this in advertisements "God is your inner Self. Find your inner Self"! How many selves am I made of? Am I like the ring roads of Bangalore city "Outer Ring road-Inner ring road"?

Do I need books to tell me details about 'Self'/'me'? Oh, so I have to read books to understand what I am? A dead book, which cannot read itself, which does not even know that it exists, will give me knowledge about my Self? Great. "Book may be dead, but it was written by living people". Hmm, so what did the first living person do? He must not have had any books to read. Books came first, or realization came first?

Then why should I read them? For reference. To glance now and then. To see the records of experiences of others and compare them with mine. "I don't have any experience". Then I have become a tape-recorder. May be someday I will get fed up with my rewind-replay business and I will realize that books cannot tell me what I am. That is why I have to read books. To finally come back to square one - ask 'Who Am I? Where Am I?' to myself. To hook myself onto "?". To Enquire.

42. Where Am I?

<< Previous - Reconciling Jnana and Bhakti

Jnana Yoga only takes up questions that are happily ignored although they are right in front of us, or it analyzes the dumb answers given to certain questions that have been taken for granted. There are several, and we will look at them one by one in the coming posts. This post deals with one of them.

The feeling of awareness is always whole. There is nothing like '1/2 I Am' or '0.1 I Am'. This existence 'I Am' is always whole. Now the question is this. Where within my body is this feeling arising? If I say it is the brain as a whole, then, when a part of the brain is cut out, then the 'I Am' awareness should reduce proportionally. This is absurd. So, I will have to ask - where exactly in the brain is this feeling arising? I want to pin point my Self, my being. Is it arising in one of the billions of neural networks? So, am I just a mesh of 100-200 neurons? Is that my source being?

If I am a combination of several neurons, then what is the difference between storing an 'apple' in a neural network and storing 'me'? Evidently I access all other information. So, does it mean that one neural network is accessing all others? Now that looks ridiculous. It is equivalent to saying that 'I Am' is a 100 line computer program which is programmed to access/manage billion other programs! Fantastic but foolish!

Also, if I am a neural network in the brain, then I must have certainly pointed out myself as being there. But no, I point towards the chest to say 'I Am'. I never point towards the head when I say 'I Am'.

So, then, am I the heart? I mean the organ heart? But that organ looks very dumb! It is just a 4-stroke pump. I am that?! No, no, I wish not! This pump cannot possibly be accessing and managing all the information in the brain!

Then where the hell am I? I am not able to pin point my Self! Sigh, I hope that a scientist will one day be able to pin point 'awareness' in the body. Wait, What? I need another person to tell me where I am? This is absolutely outrageous. 'I' is not able to pinpoint its own location! All the intellectual arguments above is only to prove that intellect cannot give any answer. Now this has become an enquiry. A sense of "?" about its own source. Generate this "?" (related to 'Where Am I') when you say 'I Am'. This is another "?" that can grow strong over time.

Where Am I?

FYI - Along with 'Who Am I', this is another powerful enquiry that was suggested by Ramana Maharshi to seekers.

41. Reconciling Jnana and Bhakti - "?" Giving Way To "♥"

<< Previous - "?" - The Essence of Enquiry

Did you grow food? Meaning did you teach earth on how to grow grains, fruits and vegetables? Or did you just use them after they grew 'somehow'?

Did you put any effort to create your body in anyway? Or did you just use it after it got formed 'somehow'?

Did you create hunger? Or did you just respond to the feeling of hunger which came up 'somehow'?

Did you create the urge to eat? Or did you just respond to this urge which is present 'somehow'?

Did you design the stomach and the digestive system on how to digest food and produce energy? Or are you just using this energy from digestion which is happening 'somehow'?

Did you teach the cells in your body on how to use this energy? Or are you just performing some work through the limbs from this energy which is utilized 'somehow'?

Did you create the urge to use your limbs to perform some work? Or are you just flowing with this urge which is present 'somehow'?

Elaborating the last question: suppose you got up and walked a few steps now. Did you create that urge and intention to walk? Or did you just flow with an urge which came up 'somehow'?

Did you manufacture the feelings of love, anger etc? Or did you just flow with them after they came up in you 'somehow'?

Did you anytime decide that you will bring up a particular thought and think about it? Or did you always just flow with a thought after it came up 'somehow'?

Even if you supposedly decided to think/do something, did you decide to decide a particular thought/action? Or did you just flow with a decision that came up 'somehow'?

When someone wished you "Hi", did you respond with a "Hi", or did you just flow with an urge from within which asked you to say "Hi"? When you say "I am bored", do you mean that you generated the boredom and felt it? Did you decide "I will now feel boredom" or did you somehow feel it? When you were happy, angry, restless, jealous etc., did you create those feelings or did you somehow feel them?

Flowing with the decisions that somehow flash, flowing with the urge of actions and thoughts that somehow surface, flowing with the feelings that somehow arise, using the energy that is somehow being produced by digestion and somehow being utilized by the cells, responding to hunger and the urge to eat which are somehow present, and finally eating the food that is somehow grown, I say "I live". Surrounded by an army of 'somehow', I still proclaim that "I do everything, I am the doer". Evidently, this is also a thought that is somehow coming up which I am simply flowing with. Now I wonder, "If everything is happening somehow, then what is it that I am doing, if at all I am doing something?" And then I notice, this thought too is somehow coming up. I did not intend to generate it. It somehow came up and I am just flowing with it. This has to be the logical end, where I somehow wonder how everything is being done somehow!

But now, the logical me is fed up; because logic is seeing that logic itself is not manufactured by me! I somehow used logic after it somehow came up! Sigh! So, it is now saying "There has to be something that is managing all these activities which you have blindly and dumbly labeled as 'somehow'". I cannot help but feel a strong attraction towards this 'something' that is managing all these 'somehow', in summary everything. "?" is giving way to "♥". Logic is giving way to devotion, enquiry is giving way to surrender.

I cannot help but feel like a piece of ice floating on the gigantic ocean. An ice piece, which, from one perspective (of seeing the whole) is verily the ocean itself; and seen from another perspective (of seeing as an individual piece), is fully being controlled by the ocean. Ocean is one whole. The ice-piece identifying itself as a small part separate from the ocean is also the ocean, the waves which are tossing the ice piece up and down is also the ocean, and the rest of the ocean is also the ocean. There is nothing but the ocean.

Ice piece says "I went up, I went down", whereas it is only flowing with the turbulent waves. I say I have free will, I fight, win-lose, laugh-weep, I create so much fuss, I say I do not surrender to anything! Whereas this is all only flowing with the turbulent part of ocean! It is not the ice-piece that is doing it, but it is only the ocean that is making it do it!

Then the ice-piece says "I feel peaceful, serene", whereas it is only floating on the calm part of the ocean. Free from turbulence, it now starts seeing the vastness of the ocean and helplessly admires the ocean. I never created peace or serenity, but simply felt it when it somehow came along. Then I somehow start seeing the hand of a higher power and the vastness of it. As a result, helplessly I begin to admire this higher power. Again, it is not the ice-piece that is doing it, but it is only the ocean that is making it do it!

Then finally, as the ice-piece begins to melt, it begins to identify itself with the ocean. I understand that what I was calling as 'I' till now was just a form in that ocean, like a piece of ice, whereas the real 'I', the only 'I' is the ocean alone. Ocean is one whole, the only 'I'. Ice piece was never different from the ocean, I was never different from That. The 'I' sense (ego) of the ice-piece was a drama, temporary and existed only as long as the form of ice existed. And now when I understand this, I see that my notion 'Ocean controlled me' was wrong! I was verily the ocean, my separation from it only being a play.

Now the ice-piece, not yet melted fully, enjoys this play. Knowing very well its oneness with the ocean, it enjoys to act as if it is separate from it, and then says "I am ocean's servant, I surrender to the ocean". Knowing very well that it IS the ocean, it says for fun "Ocean controls me, ocean takes care of me".

But did surrender happen only in this last stage? Not at all. Whether I create fuss and say 'I do not surrender', whether I pray 'Give me this give me that', whether I simply admire the ocean, or whether I start identifying myself with the ocean and melt in it, all of these activities were only controlled by the ocean. Thus, surrender always is. There is nothing left to surrender. I can only understand that I have already surrendered! Surrender cannot be "done", it simply and always is. I have to only realize that I have already surrendered. Oops! That realization is also the wish of the ocean! Damn it! Is there nothing that I can do then? What is it that I can do as the ice piece? I can just be. Yes! This is the only thing I can do - 'Be'! As 'I Am', aware. Nothing can make me void of this!

Seeker - "Are only prominent things predetermined, or even trivial things like walking from here to there?"

Ramana Maharshi - "Even trivial things"

Jnana Yoga perspective	Bhakti Yoga perspective	And the Deluded
Seeing the whole ocean as one	Seeing the ice piece as different from the ocean knowing very well that it is one	Believing that the ice piece is entirely different from the ocean
I am the Ocean	I am an insignificant Ice Piece	I am a significant Ice Piece
I am everything	I am nothing	I am something
I am infinite	I am infinitesimal	I am finite
I have the ultimate free will	I have absolutely no free will	I have free will
I know everything	I know nothing	I know something
I am completely free	I am a puppet in your hands	I am somewhat free
I am all powerful	I have no power	I have some power
I am the master, I am the servant	I am the servant of the ocean	I want to be the master of everything apart from me
Aham Brahmasmi	Oh Lord, I am a particle of dust on your feet	I am a manager of a company

Both "I am nothing" and "I am everything" are fine. But all the problem is because of "I am something".

40. "?" - The Essence of Enquiry

<< Previous - Why we fail to practice

Although devotional expressions such as singing are normally associated with Bhakti Yoga, actual Bhakti Yoga is only about a sense of love and surrender, an inexplicable deep feeling of "♥" and is not necessarily the gross expression of it. Similarly, although intellectual analysis is usually associated with Jnana Yoga, actual Jnana Yoga is only about a sense of enquiry, an inexplicable deep feeling of "?" and is not necessarily its gross expression. Jnana Yoga can be represented with a "?" and Bhakti Yoga with a ♥. Both of these seem to be equally fundamental in us. In this post we shall focus on "?".

What does a plain "?" invoke in you? A sense of curiosity, wonder, enquiry. It is inexplicable but you can feel it. An underlying yet unmistakable current of inquisitiveness, which can be aptly symbolized as '?', and the ensuing urge to quench it, is one of our foremost defining features. Indeed, the root of the Saṁskr̥ta term manuṣya (human) is 'mana', which means 'to know'. To be human is to be a seeker, someone who wants to know. Deep within us there is a dissatisfaction because there is a constantly bugging "?" about the world, about life and finally but most importantly about ourselves. If we ignore this core longing of ours to quench the "?", and occupy ourselves solely with the affairs of the world, then it means that we are choosing not to be human.

Although a clear-cut question is not always formed, the feeling of "?" cannot be denied. Most of the times we are unsure as to what this "?" relates to, but it is certainly there. Sometimes this feeling comes to the surface and manifests as "What is the meaning of life, what am I doing here?" etc, but may not stay for long. Again it goes back to the depths and stays as a mysterious feeling of "?". The very reason for the feeling of a strange thrill in us when we hear the word "Adhyatma, Jnana Yoga", the very reason why there is an inbuilt attraction in us towards spirituality, is due to a hope that spirituality can nullify this enigmatic "?" by providing satisfactory answers, and get rid of the discontentment within us. All our efforts, material or spiritual, is only an attempt to rid ourselves of this ghost "?".

The first ever feeling that even a new born baby shows is clearly a "?" on its face. More than anything, it is in absolute wonder, about everything in the world that it is perceiving. This feeling is as fundamental as the feeling of love. If you go near the baby, it looks at you and it feels a "?", it hears you talking and it feels a "?", it feels some sensation on its skin and it feels a "?". Words and sentences are not yet formed in its mind, but a sense of wonder i.e. a "?" cannot be denied. The baby is perhaps filled with "?!?!???!??!" (imagine that!) and probably that is why it cries, out of frustration, unable to bear the onslaught of "?" and unable to satisfy this sense of wonder and enquiry. The closest sentence expressing the baby's mind is perhaps "What the hell is going on?! Where am I and what am I doing here?". We only postpone this enquiry by giving mother's comfort and milk to the baby. The baby enjoys the company of the mother and, for the time being, postpones this inescapable "?" within it.

As the baby grows older, it directs this "?" at everything it sees around it. The feeling of "?" starts manifesting as questions "What is this? Why is that?". And as adults, we continue this habit of directing "?" at external things. Discovery channel shows some documentary on galaxies and we watch it with a big wonder, i.e. a "?" on our face. A spiritual preacher talks about Samadhi, and there is a big wonder, a "?" on our face.

This way, all of us wonder about something or the other and we see a feeling of strange "?" and curiosity sprouting. But there is a bigger wonder to wonder about - what is it that feels "?"? What is the entity that wonders? How and where is this "?" sprouting? Now this is a loop - wonderer wondering about the 'wonderer' and 'wondering'. I generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?". This is the only meaningful and logical end of "?". Otherwise, I will continue to wonder about things, one after another. Now I wonder about atoms, then I wonder about space, then I wonder about Prana and so on and so forth. There is no end to "?" if we go this way. So far, there is no record of anyone who has found peace and fulfillment of knowledge this way. This type of wondering and intellectual argumentation is far from Jnana Yoga and will lead nowhere. But it is perhaps necessary only to show the enquirer that this is not Jnana Yoga. So, for the sake of formality, this step, where the seeker realizes that arguments do not lead to any goal, is also made part of Jnana Yoga. The seeker adamantly rides a donkey for a long time only to finally proclaim that it is not a horse!

In several stories and real life situations, we see that a boy born in a rich family does not know the value of money. He lavishly spends money for all sorts of things, and does not enquire about the value of money which buys him everything else. He takes money for granted. We are no different from such a boy. Just because we are aware and have the capability to question, we are lavishly using it to enquire anything and everything around us. We are not trying to enquire about the enquirer that is enquiring everything else. Awareness is always taken for granted.

So, running behind questions, one after another, is endless. The only possible end is to wonder about the entity which is capable of wondering, i.e. itself. Whether it leads to self-realization or not, whether it will be blissful or not, is irrelevant. How can I be without knowing myself? I must know myself, I have to understand this entity which is capable of enquiring. No matter how much I postpone, eventually I will necessary have to question about my own existence. No matter how many questions I ask about everything else, eventually I will necessarily have to question about the questioner. Self-enquiry is an inevitability, how can I be without knowing what I am?

Jnana Yoga is only about this feeling of "?" directed towards itself. The otherwise unending chain of questioning will only end when the questioner is questioned, when the enquirer is enquired, analyzer is analyzed and the wonderer is wondered about. And that is Self-Enquiry, manifested as "What Am I?" or "Who Am I?". The words are not important at all, only the feeling of "?" directed towards the source of "?" is vital. Although forming of words help in the beginning, enquiry finally moves towards wordlessness. It is just a "?" piercing itself. There is no involvement by intellect whatsoever. Enquiry is evidently beyond intellect.

The galaxies or atoms never wondered about themselves. It is only you that is doing it. So, clearly, the ability to question is far more mysterious than the objects being questioned. Questions will pop-up one after another and trying to answer them one by one is an unintelligent way of handling things. "?" is the common factor of all questions. So, we must enquire and know the source of "?" and dissolve the very essence of questioning. Certainly, this has to be the ultimate knowledge, where all questions are wiped out and there is no more a "?" within.

Self-enquiry is not about analyzing the mind. The usual notion when people ask the question "Do you know yourself?" is "Do you know the habits and behavior of your mind?". Here "knowing about yourself" means knowing the pattern in which his mind is working. But it is not at all "knowing about oneself". If I analyze my house, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my body, I haven't analyzed anything about me. If I analyze my mind, I still haven't analyzed anything about me. I can say I have analyzed me, only if I analyze the source of analysis itself i.e. the analyzer. There is no more a Triputi. Seer-seen-seeing, Analyzer-analyzed-analyzing all three become one. This is the only viable end. There is no end as long as analyzer is not analyzed, no matter how many other things are analyzed.

This is why AI (Artificial Intelligence) cannot be produced. You cannot make a computer that is aware. If a computer is aware, that means a part of source code should be able to compile itself, which is absurd. Compiler is always different from the code being compiled. If I have a piece of code that analyzes some data, then I should make another piece of code that will analyze this first piece of code, and yet another that will analyze the second piece and so on. This way, "analyzer-analyzed" can never become one piece of code.

But surprisingly I am already that. This entity "I" is one whole piece, that is capable of compiling itself, and thus be aware. I knows I. The single word "I" denotes this wonderful thing which is impossible to develop for us. "I" am already this impossible-to-develop thing. So, instead of banging my head to create AI, why not enquire and know myself? "I Am" is an impossible thing, the biggest wonder. So, what has to be achieved has already been achieved. I have nothing more left to do. I am already that impossible. The wonderer is the biggest wonder. And that must be sought with thousand times more curiosity rather than going after some dead galaxy.

The sense of intense "?" will gulp all other thoughts as if they are insects. Have you seen any wavering in your mind when you are deeply curious about something? When I seek the source of "?", which is verily me, with keen curiosity, mind gets trampled under this enquiry. By wondering about this, curiosity can be watered little by little, no matter where you are and what your body is doing. I effortfully wonder in the beginning and when the current grows stronger, it will draw me in effortlessly. I will no more have to try anything special to calm down the mind.

Self-enquiry is not about the sentence "Who Am I?" or "What Am I?" and is all about the "?" in that sentence. Repetition of "Who Am I?" like a japa is of no value and meaning. It would be just like saying "Where is the Pen, Where is the Pen?" without actually intending to search for it.

Therefore, all I have to do is ceaselessly generate a "?" towards the originator of the feeling of "?", and wait for the answer to present itself.