37. Complete V/S Finish

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Death has always been in the forefront when it comes to making people think about the meaning of life. No matter how much one wishes to forget this inevitability, it somehow lingers in some corner, just waiting to take over someday. No matter how much one wishes to avoid it, we know that it would come and stand face to face someday. And we better be ready when it does. How can I be ready? Is it by writing a will for proper distribution of the property I hold? Is it by being in the company of my family and friends who will stand around my deathbed weeping? Is it the feeling "I am important and the world will suffer a loss without me" that will make me content? Will it? Really? It perhaps requires serious imagining abilities in order to live the actual death moment and really feel what we would feel then. But let us try.

I am lying on a bed, with an old body about to wither. There are several people standing around the bed, with lips talking in a low voice and with eyes filled with sorrow. All legal matters have been promptly taken care of. I have lived a very generous and righteous life. Many are crying for the loss that the society will incur because of my death. Everything is perfect. But then, am I happy? Am I perfectly content? Well, I want to pose as if I am peacefully leaving. But something within is bugging. Questions, doubts and more than all, the pain of separation are boiling within.

"Everything will vanish in a moment. Everything that I gained and accumulated - money, assets, relationships - is just going to be forcefully taken away in a matter of a moment, Phhoosh.. just like that. This world, which I love so much, is going to go away. And what a pity, I can do nothing about this. I don't want to leave, but I am being pushed away. All my money, power, influences are of no use now. Then why was I madly after them? Just to lose them forcefully one day? What will happen to me after death? Is re-incarnation true? Or will I cease to exist after a minute? What will happen? What will happen with death? What is death?"

Only then will we seriously think about the meaning of life and death. The question which was casually postponed every time it popped up now has no more postponement possible. Time up, and the question has not been answered. Exam is in a minute and I am totally unprepared. Exam will anyway take place, I will weep and stare at the question paper with a blank look. I leave the exam hall holding an unfathomable question paper and leaving behind a blank answer sheet. Question remains a question - What was the meaning of all that I did in my life? What is death?

It is a terrible feeling to be on a deathbed, because there are hundreds of things associated with death, all the things that have been termed as 'bad', all the things we desperately try to avoid while we live - losing things, losing people and most of all letting go of the precious body. And add to that the uncertainty of the 'what next?'. With death, all of them come at once like a storm, causing a great turmoil and misery.

Can anything be done? Anything to face death peacefully? All the things explained above are all different faces of the same thing - attachment. There is a term 'Vairagya' that is given utmost importance in spirituality. And it is also one of the misunderstood terms. We think Vairagya means becoming a Sanyasi and going to a forest. That is because we always look for meanings in physical activities. Brahmana is he who wears a sacred thread and eats only vegetarian, Karma means an action done with hands and legs, Dana means giving away some object etc. This narrowed meaning is itself a result of high attachment to the physical body. Similarly, Vairagya is also given a very narrow meaning, something related to physical activity. But actual practice of Vairagya is only within, and is needed for all at all times, without which only misery awaits. Only a person who has practiced true Vairagya is eligible to live in the world and hence to face death successfully.

There is a custom that is performed in marriages of some communities in India. The bridegroom, dressed as a Brahmachari walks out of the place intending to go to Kashi and dedicate his life to Adhyatma i.e. the search for truth. And then some of the relatives will come and persuade him to stay back by promising to offer him a girl to lead a family life. He then comes back and gets married. This has all become a funny drama and everyone enjoys while this is being performed as a ritual. But have you ever wondered what this could mean? Is this to show that all young boys are hypocrites - trying to go away but staying back as soon as a girl is ready to marry him? That would be so cheap! Because then it would mean that all are liars, just acting as if they are interested in renunciation but then pouncing on a girl as soon as one is available! Eewww... disgusting! Our ancestors should certainly have had something better in their mind.

Ramana Maharshi points out that the custom is only meant to show one thing - a person indifferent to marriage is eligible for marriage. He should be equally ready to be both - Brahmachari or a Grihastha. There should not be a glue of attachment to a girl and pleasures of family life, only then is he truly eligible for having a wife, not otherwise. Because otherwise, he is only going to have drops of so called pleasures amidst an ocean of fear and suffering. Fear of failure of endless expectations, and suffering born out of actual failure of those expectations, ranging from the tiniest to the biggest. Therefore only a true Viragi can lead a happy family life - happy when things go fine, and totally undisturbed when things go wrong.

Actually all of us already know this concept. A small kid of 8 years loves chocolates and ice-cream. If money is given to him, he would certainly overeat chocolates and fall sick. So, we manage all his requirement and even if we have to give money to him for something, we will do so very cautiously. Only when he is old and mature enough, when he becomes indifferent to chocolates (at least to some extent), we will let him handle money to some extent. Because then we know that even if he eats chocolates, he would do so moderately. He is not so desperate for them. If there are chocolates, he is happy. If they are not there, he is not so disturbed, he can do without them. He has become indifferent to chocolates and ice-cream. He has become a Viragi towards chocolates and ice-cream. If we extend this simple concept to everything in life - wife, children, fame, money - that becomes Vairagya. A person living in the world, but totally unattached in his mind. A truly free person. A person who will not weep for losing things or people. The world is meant to enjoy objects and relationships, not to stick to them. Because that is anyway impossible. The game of the world is only about this - to be able to be detached at will. Only he will enjoy the world thoroughly, without having the slightest fear of losing them or without suffering even a bit when he loses them. He is a person fit to face death.

Nobody likes a cricketer continuing to play even after he has lost the edge and then being thrown out of the team forcefully by the board, even if he had played brilliantly in his young age. Only he is respected who voluntarily retires in a dignified manner. This voluntary retirement has to be extended to everything in life - from the smallest object like 'my room' to the biggest 'my dear wife/son'. Sticking to something desperately and weeping for it - everyone feels repulsive to see someone else do this. But when it comes to us, something blinds us from the obvious truth. We begin to act as if we can try and hold on to it forever. Voluntary retirement is a power. One should be ready to execute this power at will, for anything, for anyone, at any moment, anywhere. Only he who possesses this power is eligible for a family life. And that is the meaning of the custom being performed in weddings. Because he would no more weep when life takes some people and things away from him, and when finally death takes all people and things away from him. Only  he can claim a dignified end.

There is one more aspect that bugs during death - a sense of incompleteness. "This work is pending, that issue is pending, I wanted to complete those. As a last thing I wanted to see my grandson. Oh no, now I can't". But we all know that this 'last thing' never gets done. A new 'last thing' springs up every day. When you leave home for a few days, for a long tour, just observe the restlessness that creeps in. After leaving home, there will be so many petty things crowded in the mind "Have I closed the water tap? Did I switch off the mains? Did I inform the neighbor to receive all the mails on behalf of me?" etc. A sense of incompleteness. If for such a small trip away from home so many things trouble us, then imagine the situation during death, when we have to leave everything and everyone for good! Which incomplete item or task will we think of in the few minutes available?

A detached person gets over this problem as well. An attached person has the notion that he runs and manages the world. He thinks he is responsible for the completion of things, and if he does not complete, things will fall apart and he feels he is responsible for that. Feeling responsible for things that will take place even after his death. What a strong attachment and how stupid! Considering the example of the cricket player again - "Oh, if I leave the cricket team who will open the innings?". A detached person, does everything that he has to do, and when it is time to leave, he just leaves. Even if things are falling apart he does not weep for it. "During my time, I performed what was entrusted to me efficiently. I am not the permanent manager of the world. It is time to leave and I leave. Even if everything goes to dogs, it is none of my business anymore!". Only a person who has been very honest and efficient in his activities throughout life can do this in the end. Else, the guilt of inefficient work will prick during death, and people want to fix things in this last moment, like how people read one day before the exam, or like how people start working more when the year-end appraisal is near. 

It is perhaps difficult to understand this fully here, but let us look at what Krishna did. Many years had passed after the Mahabharata war. All Yadava warriors, except Krishna and Balarama, had killed each other in a massacre after getting drunk. Krishna comes to Dwaraka, informs his father about this tragedy, sends a message for Arjuna to come and protect the citizens of Dwaraka and then says "My job is done, I have to go", and then simply walks out of the kingdom. He goes to a forest, wanders about without any goal in mind, and then sleeps under a tree. A hunter mistakes him for a deer and shoots an arrow at him. It pierces his leg and then shortly he leaves the body. In our perspective, what a pathetic death this is! He was a superhero of the times, a high profile celebrity, someone who had performed extreme feats impossible for a common man. A person considered to be a God. And this is how he chose to die, like a beggar, absolutely indifferent to the physical body and a ceremonious death, absolutely indifferent to the chaos that Dwaraka would go into if he left. Even Arjuna was unable to stop dacoits from looting the people of Dwaraka. But very well knowing all this, Krishna simply walked out - "My job is done and it is time to leave. What happens after that is none of my business." Where is Krishna, a superhero, and where are we? And we feel responsible for the petty things that are left incomplete! What a joke! Nobody can die with every task perfectly complete. The only true completion can happen in the attitude of the person dying, not in the activities.

So, the power of detachment, Vairagya or Voluntary retirement is the solution to all the above. The whole life is meant for the practice of detachment. Objects are possessed not for sticking to them and being miserable in fear of losing, but to learn how to be without them. Relationships are built not for weeping over them when they break, but to learn to be indifferent to them. Because only when something is possessed, voluntary retirement from that object can be practiced. Otherwise, how can we practice renunciation of something which we do not possess? But after one is a master of renunciation, it does not matter if he possesses it or not. He can choose to be a Sanyasi or a Grihastha, it does not matter at all.

We think that if a husband who is away from home for several days says "Oh dear wife, I miss you", he is very loving. Well, even a broomstick is missed when it is not there. What is so great about it? Only he is wise who loves his wife very dearly when together but is totally indifferent when he has to be away due to circumstances. What is the use of "boo hoo"? While leaving to Mathura in a chariot, Krishna didn't look back at Yashoda or the Gopis for a dramatic and emotional filmy scene.

Thus, we have to practice Vairagya (voluntary retirement) everyday whenever an opportunity comes up. Practiced for small things every day, becomes something huge over time.

Stage 1 - Not having an object - desire inside to obtain it

Stage 2 - Having an object - living in fear of losing it and then one day weeping over its loss

Stage 3 - Having an object - absolutely fine if I lose it, I will enjoy it as long as it is with me

Only we will know what state we are in. Only we can be the true judge of our real condition. No matter how much we act and fool others, we will always know where we really are. Impossible to fool ourselves!

Only with full renunciation will we complete life. Or else death will finish our life.

36. Part 3 - The Self-Enquiry

<< Previous - Part 2 - The Grinding

The 3 paragraphs below explain the 3 aspects of the picture 'I Am that I Am' which is shown on the sidebar.

Whenever we utter a word, say ‘book’, we point at something (a book) that is supposedly apart from us. In the same way, when I say ‘hands’, or ‘legs’ I point at something. It may even be ‘my’ hands and legs, but nevertheless I am able to point at it like an object. So, a sound (say ‘book’) which otherwise does not have any meaning, is associated with an object and given a meaning. The name ‘book’ is merely a sound, meaning for ‘book’ is being given by me. This way we point at all objects around us and associate a sound with it. So, we have name-form at this level.

But what am I pointing at when I say ‘mind’? I am not pointing at anything as in the above scenario. Instead, when I say ‘mind’ I point at that which is saying ‘mind’. So, there is only a name, but no form associated. Here, the name (mind) is pointing at itself, and the name itself has virtually become the form.

Finally what is it that I am pointing at when I say ‘I Am’? Mind? Ok. Accepted that mind says ‘I Am’. But is mind pointing at itself when it says ‘I Am’? Are ‘mind’ and ‘I’ the same? But ‘I’ is only a sound and belongs to a language. So, if I do not make that sound in my mind, do I cease to exist? Don’t I still feel my existence as always? Mind becomes non-existent when there are no thoughts (as in deep sleep), but do I become non-existent?

If we argue that ‘I Am’ is only a thought, then it means that I cease to exist everyday when I go to sleep. But then how is there continuity between before and after sleep? Who is it that remembers and feels good about sleep? Who was observing the thoughtless state?

Suppose I do not know any language. That means I cannot say ‘I Am’ in the mind in any language. But isn’t the meaning of ‘I Am’ still available? Am I not aware of my self even then? That feeling is termed as ‘I-I’ by Ramana Maharshi. This is the first hand experience of everyone, independent of languages, independent of sense perceptions. It is the only absolute experience. All other relative sensual experiences are based on this absolute awareness of ‘I-I’.

What is so great about it? I feel ‘I-I’ even now. Yes and No. We are aware of the existence, but there is a twist – existence as something. Sun says ‘I Am [the solar system]’. I say ‘I Am [the body]’. The term in the bracket is somehow there, even without being said. Only awareness can say ‘I Am’ and only awareness can say ‘This and That’. But the problem is that awareness mixes both and says ‘I Am this’. And the aim is to become just ‘I Am’ from ‘I Am this’ or ‘I Am that’. And that is Self-realization. Easy, isn’t it?

That is why it is said: Self is already realized, Self-Realization is getting rid of the notion that I am not Self-Realized. There are no two selfs – one that exists, and another that becomes aware of it. It is one. I am helplessly aware, I cannot do anything about it. Then what is the problem? Problem is that instead of being what I am, I am constantly holding onto ‘this’ or ‘that’ which change. As soon as I slip into sleep, I create and catch hold of another body in the dream. As soon as I die, I create and catch hold of a subtle body (similar to dream) and continue to live with it. A strong dementia that says ‘I Am something’. Awareness can neither be born nor can it die, but objects under the light of awareness keep changing.

The purpose of self-enquiry is to turn the blazing light of sun on himself, instead of focusing the light on some planet. Aim is to completely remove ‘this’/‘that’ and be just ‘I Am’.

To do that, first of all there cannot be thousands of planets revolving around the Sun chaotically. Because then the Sun helplessly starts looking at them and goes back to the same dementia ‘I Am solar system’. So, first of all the solar system should become peaceful with as less planets as possible. All the breathing/meditation techniques are meant only to do this – to reduce the thoughts to the minimum and keep the mind peaceful while awake. Without first calming down the mind, perhaps self-enquiry is a far-fetched idea. Because awareness will be continuously focusing on some thought and each thought will have the notion ‘I Am the body’ inbuilt in it. Once the mind is calm, by following regulation of Raja Yoga, then enquiry may be practiced.

Sit, lie down or be however you are, absolutely no problem. Close your eyes and then say ‘I Am’ (in any language) in the mind repeatedly like a mental Japa. Please read all the below points very carefully.

• Each time, before you say ‘I Am’, the decision to say ‘I Am’ is made first. Carefully observe - Where is this decision being taken? (Attention on Source)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, focus on the meaning of this phrase, do not say mechanically. And while doing so, carefully observe - What is this phrase ‘I Am’ pointing at? (Attention on Target)
• Each time you say ‘I Am’, you can clearly see that you are watching it being said, just like how you watch others speak something. Carefully observe the observer (Attention on the process)

Do not go into a rhythm “I Am…I Am…I Am”. We are not after 1008 mahajapa of ‘I Am’!! In these cases Japa will keep happening mechanically and mind will start thinking something else. Instead do it arrhythmic “I Am……I Am………..I Am”. In fact, if the above three points are followed, it is automatically arrhythmic. Although we are saying ‘I Am’, our focus is not at all on the word ‘I Am’. We are only focusing on from where it comes, what it points at, and who is observing it. That becomes real Japa.

With this Japa, you are constantly trying to push the focus onto the source, the true You. No other japa can replace ‘I Am’ (Aham in Samskrita). Because with any other word, all three points (source, target and process) cannot be covered at once. Only in the case of ‘I Am’ japa, all the three direct at the same – Self.

Even if this Japa is done ONCE correctly, there will be a hint of uncovering. Do it whenever you feel like and wherever you are – office, bus-stop or bedroom. Do it for few minutes and several times a day. Do not worry if the mind is restless. Same as how mind is sometimes restless naturally, it is also calm sometimes naturally. So make the best use of the times when mind becomes calm on its own. Initially that may be just few minutes a day. If we suddenly feel calm in between work, or while travelling in a bus, then that is when enquiry has to happen. That is enough to begin with. But usually we do not make use of that because we think practice should be done only sitting in Padmasana in front of a photo. No, that is totally secondary. Self-Enquiry can be done anywhere, anytime, however you are sitting. The only necessity for enquiry is You, not the equipments, posture or the room. This is Self-Enquiry, not room-enquiry or asana-enquiry. So, begin with the few minutes of the day when you are calm, catch hold of this thread and as days pass by the enquiry will slowly spread itself in your routine. Practicing the regulation of Raja Yoga/Hatha Yoga (food regulation, breath regulation etc) will greatly aid the enquiry by promoting calmness of mind.

While practicing Self-Enquiry, all the discussions of the previous post may come in handy. For e.g. as soon as we begin enquiring mind says “Oh Self-Realization is possible only for few blessed people”. So, enquiry related arguments are equally important to get rid of these notions and constantly keep the focus on enquiry. Pushing the batter back to the centre-spot is equally necessary along with rotating the grinding stone. Ramana Maharshi’s teachings provide a comprehensive set of arguments for satisfying the mind’s endless weaknesses, queries, doubts and wrong notions (only some of them were presented in this blog till now). When mind is thus satisfactorily shut-up again and again, one day it stops arguing, leaving Self-Enquiry undisturbed.

“What is it that I want? Self-Realization. Who is yearning? Me. What for? My Self. How can there be two Selfs? There can’t be. So, if it is only one Self, then what is it that I am searching for? Am I already not my Self?”